Day 156: Let's run away and don't ever look back

So, nothing has ever happened this quickly to me. It's crazy. We might be fools. I guarantee you we're crazy. I'd rather jump off the cliff and take the risk of falling to the rocks below than never jump and regret it the rest of my life. You don't let go of a good thing. You chase the fuck out of it. It's honestly better for me to make a decision based on a whim than to think about it for days. I convince myself that I don't want what I truly do. Even though, I'm completely convinced you deserve so much more than I am, I am irrevocably drawn to you. So I'm in. For now. For life. I don't care, anytime spent with you is time well spent. It doesn't have a price. There is no one. No one that I've had so much in common with. I thought I'd never meet someone with my weird NEED to be cold and get warm when I sleep. Or who gets as annoyed as I do when people are overdramatic about things. Not only that, but your favorite restaurant is Olive Garden. And you hate orange. How is someone as perfect for me as you are, how is it you exist? Or, perhaps I should rephrase: How is it that someone so perfect as you exists and WANTS TO BE WITH ME? You're SO. SO. SO. SO. Handsome. SO. SO. SO. SO. SO. Sweet. SO. SO. SO. SO. funny. SO. SO. SO. So. HOT. SO. SO. SO. SO. Romantic. I must have done something wrong on this broken road that I call my life. Because you could ONLY be an angel, you're too perfect to be anything less.

And in the short time I've known you, this is the happiest I've ever been in my life.

Day 155: Uncharted

So I finally decided what I want to get for my first tattoo. I've decided that its going to be a ship on my back with the word "Uncharted" beneath it. The meaning behind it? Basically it means that I have made some of the best decisions in my life on whims and with little thought. My life is uncharted.When I was expected to fail, I thrived. My life is completely uncharted. I'm a ship sailing in uncharted waters. And I like it that way.

Day 154: Borders and a discussion about my Compulsions.

So today I went to Borders with a bunch of my friends. I spent over two hundred dollars just at that place alone. Yeah, I'm a crazy person. Then, we went to Red Robin and I treated everyone to a meal. Then we went to the Harrisburg Mall and the first thing we did was visit Bath and Body. I have a compulsion with needing for my hands to smell good. Or I won't feel clean. I used to wash my hands until they bled.

That's not my only compulsion. I also have "places" that things go in my room, and if I frequent your house, I will have "places" that my phone goes. Or anything else I may bring over with relative importance to me. If you move said thing from said place, I lose it entirely.

Day 153: LDRs

I have big beliefs in long distance relationships because I have a friend who has been with her long distance boyfriend for three years. They are going strong. They send each other gifts in the mail and talk every single day. They are very much in love. Distance is no match when it comes to love because love can travel any distance. Distance is also a temporary thing that always can be fixed one way or another.

Day 152:We might be fools

So, I talked to someone tonight who's basically everything I've ever looked for in a guy. It was kind of on a whim that we even met each other. He likes my sarcasm. Whereas a LOT of men can't handle it, and get angry. He also is REALLY CUTE. :)

Day 151: Just because we went out on ONE DATE, doesn't mean I'm off the market..

Why do guys automatically assume that if you go on a date with someone else whilist you two AREN'T ANY SENSE OF THE WORD in a "relationship" that that means you have no interest in them? It's called exploring my options. I have them, I'm going to explore them. The next guy needs to WIN ME OVER, big time. There is one who is really really doing it too and he's even far away from me, so that's GOTTA be saying something.

Day 150: I'm proud of who I am.

And I always will be. Don't want to call me? Don't want to text me? Good. Don't. I don't have the time to waste crying over spilled milk. Have you SEEN me lately? Do you know what you're letting go? If we've got some crazy fucking off the charts chemistry and you still aren't sure, you've got something wrong with you. When it comes to relationships, I am the most loyal and dedicated girl that you could ever have. I am a DAMN good girlfriend and I DAMN WELL know it. So go ahead and let me slip through your fingers but when you regret that decision later in life, I won't be welcoming you back with open arms like you want me too. Instead I'll have you shake the hand of the man who knew not to let go.

Day 149: Because you're my lucky charm.

The date went wonderful, even though I forgot which way it was to Ruby Tuesdays. It was also, a winter freaking wonderland in there. Next time we go, if there's a next time, we're going to take winter coats. You know it has to be bad if you walk outside in this Africa like weather and it feels good. Tomorrow, it's back to work. *sigh* I have all of next weekend off though. Woop woop! I have no plans though :( Other than raping what's left of Borders.

Day 148: Online dating sites PAY OFF BIG TIME

So as I informed you in a prior post, I have made an online dating site. I have recently met with a man I met on this dating site and he's SO Handsome. LIKE EXTREMELY SO. And we have a date tomorrow. And I'm probably going to spend atleast two hours trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to wear but considering the fact that he found me attractive in my work uniform, I think I'll impress him in anything I wear. I'm PRETTY DAMN EXCITED ABOUT IT. I'd give you more information but I don't want anyone to stalk him and freak him out. So, if shit gets serious, you'll know in time.

;)

Day 147: I'd never survive, you'd just have to lie for me. (NEW BLOG)

I'm so freaking PUMPED for this weekend. I'd tell you why but you aren't cool enough to know. I might tell you later, right now I have to go and get ready for work.

my new blog, by the way is http://wtfdidyouginger18.blogspot.com.
It's basically a fashion blog but with my own little sarcastic twist. the fact that I have absolutely no fashion sense whatsoever will make it well worth the read.

Day 146: WHY ISN'T IT THE WEEKEND ALREADY?????

So it's Thursday, I have a 5:30 t0 11:30 shift tonight I believe. Then I have a dentist appointment at ten in the freaking morning tomorrow which I have little to no excitement about. One, I hate the dentist. Especially when they use that stupid vibrating toothbrush on me, it bugs the fuck out of me. I will not use a vibrating toothbrush. I hate the feeling with a passion. I hate the sound, I hate everything about it. I keep a pretty damn clean mouth so I shouldn't be in there long but regardless, I hate the dentist. I hate the doctors too. I don't like going to hospitals. I was in them every other week when I was in my Junior and Senior year. I have no interest in going back to them anytime soon. Especially not the ER.

Anyway. I have plans for a new blog in replace of my stupid engagement blog. I think if you enjoy my horrible sense of humor, you'll love the new blog.

Day 145: So apparently I didn't work today

I thought I did. So I spent the day, texting people, facebooking, and writing because yeah, my life is that damn interesting.

Day 144: A discussion about when petnames are appropriate

So, have you ever been called "baby" by someone that you didn't have feelings for? How did you feel about it. Now this isn't by someone who is a customer at work, it doesn't really bug me when people call me sweetie or beautiful at work, I'm never going to see those people again. The question I'm asking is, imagine a scenario where someone has been legitimately trying to get in your pants but you don't have the same feelings and they call you "baby" does it make you uncomfortable? Or awkward?

Well it does me. But then again, I'm a freak.

This is all I have to say for today.

OH AND.. all plans of moving out are going great. The owners want to work with me on a payment plan. Considering the fact that the place hasn't been sold for three years, so this is pretty much the best offer they are going to get. I'm supposed to get another call on monday. I appreciate the fact that my agent is SO NICE and so willing to help me.

Day 143: Just because you heard it from the grapevine..

doesn't make it true. And just because you know I heard it from the grapevine doesn't mean I believed it. I make it a point not to believe anything unless it comes from the person who says it's mouth. I hate when people try to twist things and you can't tell anyone anything without it somehow getting out. I'm learning not to trust people even more and more. So for the record, let's get some shit straight:
First of fucking all:
I am NOT in any kind of stupid friends with benefits relationship with anyone. I have not had sex with anyone since the break up. I have been on one date and it's none of anyone's business who it was. And I'm not even sure it was a date. It was kind of just going to see a movie with a friend who happened to have a penis. I'm not exactly looking for a relationship right now. I just got out of a relationship with someone that I thought I was going to marry me. I don't know how many of you have been in similar situations but it's not exactly something you get out of scar free and are like "WHOO HOO, WHERE THE BITCHES AT?" No, it hurts. Kind of alot. And you aren't ready to give your heart to someone else. You want to know why? You aren't finished picking up the pieces of it that the previous person shattered on the floor.

I have signed up to an online dating site. I don't give out my name. It's free too. I think it will give me the opportunity to meet someone that I may have never noticed before. I typically don't talk to guys I think are cute. I get nervous. And blabber. Alot. Online or texting, it's like I'm a different person. The walls come down and I'm like "heyyyyyyy you're cuteeee" and I can talk to a guy that I otherwise would probably only have the ability to drool on myself in front of if we had met in the streets. But if I text a guy a lot or talk to him alot online, when we meet in person, I'm okay. It's a thing. I don't know how to explain it.

Again. I'm not looking for an immediate relationship. I'm not even sure I'm going to let the next person in easy. They're going to have to do alot to win me over this time. I've been hurt too much by too many guys and I'm about to be like "fuck this, I'm becoming a lesbian and adopting children". So if we all want to keep Erin interested in the penis, we're all going to support her decisions. AND NO ONE CAN PRESSURE ME, in anyway, to leave the house to go on dates with guys, etc. I WILL get out on my own. I can't be pressured to do things. It makes everything worse. If you pressure me, I won't do the things you're attempting to pressure me into. It's better if you just leave me alone.

And if I trust you enough, in time, I'll tell you about who I've met/meeting/went on a date with. I just...am sick of things getting twisted.

And finally just because I say a guy is cute does not mean I want to hop in his pants and rape the fuck out of him. It just means I think he's cute. If you think he's cute and have feelings for him, whereas I only think he's cute, then tell me, I'll back off. It's not like I was on in the first place. I just said he was cute. YEESH.

The End.

Day 142: Awkward Hugs from Voldemort

So today I saw the newest Potter movie with a manfriend and it's nobody's damn business who the fudge cake it is. I AM FREE FRIGGIN PERSON. It was pretty awesome. I had forgotten that some things had happened. And I am DAMN happy that they put the Weasley part in, but I was kind of disappointed in some of the scenes that should have been so much more epic than they were. By the way, Neville has gotten banging. Like super banging. Like if he came up to me and was like "wanna fuck?" I'd be like "HELL YES" and rip my clothes off right then and there. I'd also bang Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy). He wouldn't even have to ask, I'd just start getting naked. There's no way he'd be able to deny me. I mean have you seen me naked? I have. And it gave me a boner. hahaha. Jk.

This post was so awkward. I'm sorry if you have nightmares.

Day 141: Why is everyone calling off?

This was the second day in a row where the schedule was royally fucked because there were so many call offs. So instead of being a busser, I was on a drawer and surprisingly, I was actually off on time. Atleast almost, usually I fuck something up on my drawer. I have no math abilities. hahaha. Even with a calculator I can mess up. haha.

Day 140: Confessions

So I did that dumb confessions thing on facebook. Well here is a list of as many confessions as I can come up with without being afraid you'll have nightmares.

Confession #1: My past is a horror story, not even my closest friends know ALL the things I've endured. And even though I've been told by multiple people that I'm the strongest person they know, I still think I'm weak

Confession #2: I put everyone else's happiness before my own. I always have. I always will.

Confession #3: When I'm alone I blast my music and pretend I'm in a music video. No joke. If I recorded myself doing this, I'd never ever ever ever get a boyfriend ever again.

Confession #4: I used to cut. I did it NOT as a method to cope but because I lived my life believing everything that went wrong was my fault so I cut to punish myself for all the "bad things" I did.

Confession #5: I put on this show that I think I'm sexy and crap but in reality, I hate myself more than anyone or anything else.


Confession #6:I am the biggest pushover when it comes to forgiveness too. I forgive too easily. I have forgiven and let people back into my life that have done some of the worst things to me. And somehow it always comes as a surprise when they do it again.


Confession #7: I've had a pregnancy scare.

Confession #8: I hold too many grudges.

Confession #9: When I say I'm okay, I'm usually far from it.

Confession #10: There's one love I'll probably never fully get over.

Confession #11: I've kissed a girl.

Confession #12: I'm addicted to Secret Life of the American Teenager.

Confession #13: I have fallen in love with someone I met online.

Confession #14: I should be dead. On multiple occasions.

Confession #15: I love easily. I don't hate. I wear my heart on my sleeve and have it repeatedly shattered.

Confession #16: I still sleep every night with a stuffed animal. Unless I share a bed with another person. (man)

Confession #17: I constantly am in a state of storyplots. I never ever stop thinking.

Confession #18: I have OCD. And if you move things from their place, I have fits of anxiety and tend to flip shit on the nearest person. I don't mean to, but it can get fucking ugly. Insults will be thrown... things will be thrown. I don't mean to get that violent, I don't think I even realize how mean I'm being until afterwards. I have panic attacks. I probably could be medicated.

Confession #19: I rub my face vigorously when I'm tired and I will tell you my face is itchy. It really isn't. I have a childlike way of coping with sleepiness. Like a baby will make noises or act really hyper to keep them awake when they don't want to go to sleep. I do the same thing, but I seriously don't realize I'm doing it until I'm midrub. And then I'll embarrassedly proclaim my face is itchy. haha

Confession #20: I love juice boxes.

Confession #21: I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You choose that.

Confession #22: I should be sleeping.

Day 139: Everybody thinks sick sick little things.

I hate getting off work and it's daylight out. My body thinks it's time to be awake and the rest of me is like NO CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND GO TO SLEEP. And my body doesn't like to listen to logic. Just like the normal me. Logic. PSHHHHH who listens to logic.

Day 138: UGH TAKE FIVE SUCKS

But it's not so bad when Cass hangs around and we talk for hours about the weirdest shit. Like, butt sex. We seriously had a long talk about butt sex. And hahaha. Cass said if she had an eye missing she said she'd totally let the guy stick it in her eye socket just to see how it felt. I love that girl so much. I'm glad I got hired at the casino just so I could meet Cass.

Day 137: Moving out

I had a crapload of calls about apartments. Some had a problem with my cats. So that doesn't help. THEY ARE CATS, what the fuck are they going to do to your apartment if they are litter trained??? I'd be more concerned about a dog. Those fuckers EAT EVERYTHING. They was also a really weird email I got about sending my credit report in order to view the one apartment. I don't have a line of credit. Like...at all. So I have nothing to send them. This is why I am thinking of getting a credit card that you make payments on every month so that I can establish a line of credit.

Oh yeah, and Max left me today. I'm still not sure whether or not this was a mutual thing. And I would appreciate if not alot of people pester me about what happened. We're just not made to be. I'm eighteen, not forty five. I'm not wasting away. It's not like there aren't other guys out there. I'm sure I'll be okay. Time heals all wounds. It's all going to be fine. People change. Feelings Change. I'll be okay.

Day 136: So tell me when you're going to let me in.

So today, Kate came home, but I wasn't allowed to go home yet because my mother and sister have been remodeling my bedroom and I currently had no bed in my room. I didn't even have a mattress. So we just chilled and stayed up all night talking about her boyfriend/fiancee. It was nice. I also did a lot of calling around about getting an apartment because the plan I had fell through.

Day 135: So the cable went out

So I had nothing else better to do so I have been watching a bunch of movies that Kate owns that I have never seen before. I have never seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding, so I watched that. I absolutely adored the hell out of it. And I cried at the part where her parents bought them a house. I also watched the movie version of Running With Scissors which was alot less graphic than the actual book, which I was happy for. I thought I was going to need to turn it off because I could barely finish the book due to the graphic content. Now I am watching Notting Hill, another movie that has been quoted often, but I have never seen it. And I love love love love love Julia Roberts so this is something I definitely needed to watch.

Day 134: I'm so glad I don't have seven evil exs

So obviously as you could tell from my last post I'm not having the best week. I am watching Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and eating icecream to make me feel better. I am also planning my wedding and writing all at the same time because there is nothing better for me to do. So yeah, I have nothing to really report, just posting a quick post before I have to go to work tonight. Love, Luck and Lollipops everyone.

Day 133: It would be nice if you could not make me feel like a piece of shit every day of my life

As much as I really want to bitch and piss and moan about what happened today on my blog publicly, I frankly just don't give enough of a fucking damn in order to even post about this. I am just sick of constantly being treated like shit by the people who supposedly "love" me. And I am sick of people that don't pay for their shit. And I'm sick of people who have no sense of responsifuckingbility. And people who care more about losing their money at a fucking casino, than picking me up after work so I can make some fucking money so that I can get a goddamn house and be out of everyone's goddamn hair. And I'm sick of people getting pissed because they have to drive me to work when BECAUSE OF THEM, I can't drive. I am sick of alot of different people and this post is not just directed at one person imparticular so those that seem to think they fucking know everything can shove it up their ass. I am also sick of feeling like everything is fucking my fault. I blame myself for EVERYTHING everyone else does to me since that's all I've done my whole life since it was the only way for me to cope with the shit I have been through since I was 15. Which if you knew me at fucking all, you'd know what the fuck I'm talking about. And I'm sick of people not standing up for themselves. I'm sick of people who bitch about other people's babies when they cry. A baby is a FUCKING BABY. It's only method of communication IS TO FUCKING CRY. A baby does not just shoot out of your veej and start telling you the cure to cancer and how THE FUCK to establish world peace. YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT A BABY DOES WHEN IT POPS OUT OF YOUR VEEJ? IT FUCKING CRIES. Because that's what a baby FUCKING does. If you don't like that, then leave the mother fucking room or invest in some fucking earplugs. And I'm sick of stupid people. And I'm sick of being called stupid. I'm sick of being told to calm down when I have a fucking reason to be upset. I'm sick of everything that comes out of a certain person's mouth sounding like a bowl full of FUCKING LIES. I'm sick of promises never kept. I'm sick of lending people money and being treated like shit by said person. I'm sick of spilt beer on my icecream RUINING the icecream. I'm sick of trash. I'm sick of cleaning up everyone else's mess. I'm sick of giving 17391842471409284918439213810983091 percent and getting nothing in return. I'M SICK OF THE BULLSHIT

Day 132: I seriously love my coworkers

So tonight I went to work. Surprise right? All I do is work and sleep. Anyway, last night was awesome. It was me, Amber and Brad in Celebrity Grill and it was kind of slow since today is a Thursday. We pick on each other alot at work. That's what makes work fun. And tonight, the cook even made me some onion rings, which are seriously my favorite food in the world. I HATE onions. Like with a passion, the only way I will eat onions is if they are onion rings. I'm serious. Max doesn't understand it either. So don't worry if you don't get it.

My ride showed up late but instead of me just sitting there on my ass the whole time, two of my work friends got off and sat and talked to me until my ride got there. It was really sweet of them. I appreciated the fact that I work with such wonderful people.

Day 131: Let's go somewhere only we know

Download this mp3 from Beemp3.com

This happens to be my new obsession. I am addicted to this song. And I couldn't have picked a better song for the new Winnie the Pooh movie. Which I WILL BE SEEING

Day 130: Post Fourth of July Party, only something Tamara and Erin could pull off

So today, since I had to work on Fourth of July, me and Tamara and her son had our own little get together. It was pretty awesome. We made chicken and a whole bunch of other food that I had gone out and bought. It was pretty awesome. We ran around in the sprinklers like a bunch of crazy people. And ate a ton of food. The only thing that went untouched were my chewy cookies! I was surprised because Max got all excited about them in the store.

Day 129: HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, LOSERS

So today, on Fourth of July, I worked for the better half of the day and then we had a Hoarder marathon. Watching that show makes me feel better about myself. Haha. I mean, I keep a whole lot of shit, but not to that level. The only issues I have are my OCD, where everything has to have a certain place. But I can get rid of stuff if I need to. Now I am going to go watch my damn Secret Life of the American Teenager.

Day 128: Longest Five hours of my life

So tonight I was in Take 5, which is our employee cafeteria. I only made 193 dollars the whole time. And apparently the girl who works there more than I do, has never broke 200. It was sooo boring. And obnoxious, because everytime I attempted to stock anything, everyone would keep grabbing the shit I was trying to stock. I have OCD, so when I was putting out the cups, I wanted each stack to have the same number of cups. Everyone kept grabbing the cups as I was putting them out and I was about ready to cry. Everything important to me in my room, has a place and if it isn't in that place, I can not find it and I will freak out. I have sworn and thrown things at my own mother because I blamed her for my inability to find something that was not put "In it's place". I fear for when I own my own place, if I live with a few people, which I plan to. If someone moves something of mine, I will freak and it could get ugly.

Day 127: Like a Satellite, I'm in an Orbit All the Way Around You

So, today, I think I'd like to get a few things out there, it's gonna kinda be a bit of a rantish. So if you have a problem with my bitching then GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Warned you now.

One thing I have to bitch about is my romance life. So, Max pretty much never tells me that I'm sweet. Like, when I asked him if I was, he said I am sometimes. I asked if it was atleast 50 percent of the time. He said that that was pushing it. Even though it seems that we treat each other like shit via my blogposts, alot of that is sarcasm that you wouldn't get unless you have been around us both to know us real well. But yeah, I am a damn good fiancee. I watch Brendan for him when I have worked until 4 in the morning and he leaves at six a.m and Brendan wakes up right around 8. And I can't fall asleep. And I usually have to work later that night. I buy him a drink everytime he comes to pick me up. I rape his wall with love posts. I rape his ear with love words. I give him like three million kisses. I always make sure that he's taken care of financially. I do so much. And I'm not sweet? It kinda hurts to hear that, sarcasm or not.

Day 126: Lost in Lebanon and Quotes from The Marker Sisters

So instead of posting a significant blog post, instead I will simply list a bunch of quotes on here from my day.

Jamie: A balloon? Where?
Tamara: Right there, the big penis looking thing in the sky with wings.

Jamie:*bitches for ten minutes*
Tamara: I smell like mustard.

Tamara: OH MY GOD, He's soooo cute.
Erin: How long have you had this baby?
Tamara: Ten months...
Erin: and you're still surprised that he's cute?

So you can gather that I had an interesting day. We also discovered that you can drive for like five million miles with your emergency break on and you won't die.