Day 417: Yeah, I'm back bitches

WE HAVE OUR OWN INTERNET. YEP, DAILY BLOGS ARE BACK.

Day 416: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Thirty Seven

Feed by Mira Grant.

HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT.

HOLY

FUCKING

SHIT

THIS BOOK WAS SO GOD DAMN AMAZING.

It is not often that a zombie book can make me cry like a newborn child. This book did. I sobbed for twenty minutes half naked on my toilet and it was the highlight of my week. This is the first in a three book series called the Newsflesh series. They are set after the zombie apocalypse and everyone turns to BLOGGERS to tell them what’s really happening in the world

Everyone at the bookstore told me that there was a lull on the first one and it was kind of boring in the middle. I never once got bored with this book. Not even one time. So if the other books are more action packed than the first one then I can’t WAIT to read the next two, which are also out right now. I have them both.

Can you borrow them?
No.

If you are in or around the Lebanon area, take your ass to Fivestone Bookstore and buy your own copies. I will not let these leave my sight. Nope. You need to own your own copies. I want to see this series in every house I go to. I mean it. GET TO WORK SON. I don’t even care if you are out of state. You drive your ass here and buy your copies from MY FAVORITE BOOK STORE. Because I said so, damn it. If I could move into this store, I would. The employees are amazing. They have a read cycled section where you can get softly used books for half the price. They have chairs. They have drinks that you can actually ingest in the store because they are ‘browsing beverages’ like shit, son. They want you to stay awhile. I have never felt more welcome in a book store in my life. So get your ass here and start giving them your entire paycheck. They’ve earned it. 

Day 415: One hundred book Challenge: Book Thirty Six

Finding Noel by Richard Paul Evans

…..

I feel like we need to have a talk about my last blog. Please take your seat. I want to apologize to you if you felt that I was a little too harsh with my terms or if I unloaded a lot onto you that you really weren’t prepared for. I haven’t been prepared for any of it. I’m seriously thinking about going back to therapy.  I have been on and off therapy for about the better half of my life. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m too strong to need help but then I have realized that admitting you need help is actually the strong thing to do. You really have to humble yourself to tell someone, “hey, I can’t really handle all of this shit on my own anymore and I really just need you to professionally tell me that there is some version of this where I come out okay.” So it’s an option that I’m considering, but you have to realize, therapy costs money. So I’m trying to get through this in my own ways first. I have good days and I have bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. I’m not always going to be like that. In fact, it was a really, really bad day and I’m almost never like that. I’m always going to be a work in progress and I have accepted this fate a long, long time ago. So I apologize for my hostility in the last blog. I would also like to give you a warning now that yes, I will be reviewing this book in these next few paragraphs, but I’m going to be bitching about romance novelists in general as well. If you don’t want to read a bitchblog, go ahead and leave now.

This book was cute. I wouldn't buy it. I’m biased though. It was a sweet book but it was kind of unbelievable and I’m finding that this is just a problem I have with basically all romance novelists. They never write romances that I can relate to and Richard Paul Evans has this knack of having his characters fall in love SO DAMN FAST. They have ONE conflict and that’s it for the rest of the book.

Okay, I realize that no one would want to read my love life if it was a romance book. I mean. I dated like a shitload of assholes before I landed with Drew and Drew is still an asshole sometimes too. He’s just less assholey than anyone else I've ever dated. I just think this is why women have such impossibly high standards and why they all get hurt. If you’re reading this shit, that isn't how things actually happen. Your hair is not going to be always be perfect, your legs aren't always going to be shaved and you aren't going to always smell like heaven. Love never comes easy and nothing worth having does. Relationships are HARD work. Do you think my relationship with Drew is easy? It takes me, him and a shit ton of caffeine, chocolate, long cries in the shower, shouting, sweat, hugging it out and random gifts ‘just because’ (read: “I’m sorry, can we please take our clothes off and solve this in an adult manner” gifts) to make this shit work. Nothing about getting this far was easy and we’re still growing as a couple and you always will be. I feel like romance books really dumb it down and make it look so simple. They don’t do it any justice. You don’t have one conflict and that’s it. YOU ALWAYS HAVE CONFLICT. You are always going to disagree on shit, and you are going to have some of the stupidest fucking fights. Drew and I have had SHOUTING MATCHES over not having sex, who is cooking dinner, why someone didn't send a text, who smells like yeast infection, herpes and poverty all combined into one horribly putrid scent and putting your feet on the bookcase. Shouting. Screaming. Over that stuff. We actually didn't yell at each other when we decided to postpone the wedding. We've shouted at each other over getting a shower. Yes. That’s what an adult relationship is like and the arguments probably just get more insanely ridiculous when we have children. I want to read a book like that. Seriously. 

Day 414: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Thirty Five

The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

Let me address this right away to all the assholes who have repeatedly mentioned how close to the end of the year it is. Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m like sincerely far behind. Shut up. I don’t need your shit. This would be easy for you to do, you say? OH REALLY? So you must live at home in your mommy’s basement and never work and she pays for all your food and the electric and the trash and the cell phone bill and the internet and for all the clothes on your back? I pull almost full time hours at my part time job and I have an extremely long list of medical conditions that require me to be constantly seeing doctors and making damn appointments for all of my days off. I have an ENORMOUS LIST OF BILLS I’M PAYING. I have to constantly make trips to the grocery store because I pay for that shit. I’m attempting to plan my wedding for the SECOND fucking time and it ROYALLY PISSED ME OFF THE FIRST TIME THROUGH. I have an aunt with cancer with a twelve percent chance of living. My uncle has Alzheimer’s so badly that he doesn’t even know who I am. He doesn’t know who my father is and he RAISED my father.  He thinks his wife that he’s been married to for 51 years is his girlfriend. My great grandmother passed away and the only thing I had left from her, my mother sold without me knowing. I couldn’t go to the funeral; I couldn’t go to the funeral because I had to work. I had to work. I always have to work. Do you know how many important events I have missed because I have to pay my bills?  I’m currently fighting a depression, but instead of being sad, I’m just mad. All. The. Damn. Time. ALWAYS ANGRY. I’M ALWAYS MAD. I realized that nothing about becoming an adult was going to be easy, but here is the kicker, they never tell you just how hard life is. OH. And in case you forgot. I’M TRYING TO WRITE A FUCKING BOOK. So, would you like to kindly fuck off? Thanks.

Now that we got that out of the way, let me actually write a review for this book. That was what you came here for right? If you only came here for the meltdown, it’s over.  Glad my haphazard life could provide you some entertainment. Maybe you feel a little bit better about your own life. Good. Great. Fanfuckingtastic, but I’m seriously DONE now with bitching. Done. I’m finished. Right. Now.

I saw the movie first. Please refrain from shitting your pants. Jeans are thirty dollars a pair, you can’t afford to ruin a pair. TRUST ME. I haven’t owned a pair since I jumped another size. Which was like an entire year ago, so I have not had any jeans for an entire year. Yep. I saw the movie first. I borrowed this book from my friend because she told me I had to read the book.

I’m going to be brutally honest with you. There is not a whole lot different in the book than there is in the movie. They pretty much stuck to it almost word for word. There were very few variations. The book was amazing. I cried just like I did with the movie but I won’t be buying a copy of the book. YES I AM DISCOURAGING YOU FROM BUYING A BOOK BECAUSE THE MOVIE IS CHEAPER. Sue me.

Don’t actually sue me; I’m not worth a damn thing. I have literal CHANGE to my name. That’s it.  If you’re hurting THAT badly that fifty cents is going to change your life, you may actually be worse off than I am. That’s saying something. Seriously. I haven’t even paid my rent yet for last month. I wish I was kidding. Dear god, I wish I was kidding.

Pardon me while I go cry for the next ten hours straight. 

Day 413: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Thirty Four

Storm Front by Jim Butcher

This is the first book in the Dresden series and I have been hounded by three of my friends to read this book series already, well, I finally had some extra money and I picked up the first one, there’s apparently going to be 23 books in this series but only thirteen or fourteen of them are out right now. That will greatly help with attempting to catch up to 100, ANYWAY, I SING THIS BOOK’S PRAISES. I was half tempted to open my window and scream “HARRY DRESDEN IS FUCKING AWESOME” but our neighbors already pretty much think we’re insane, I don’t want to give them any more reason to call the men in the white coats to come haul me off to the loony bin. Like Harry Potter? Read this series. Like Science fiction? Yup, read this book. Like any book ever in the history of reading books? Read this series. I’m about five hundred percent sure that I will not regret suggesting this series to my readers. This shit was good. IT WAS GOOD SHIT. REALLY REALLY GOOD SHIT. READ IT. NOW. GO. WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?!?! By the way, buy your books from Fivestone Book Store. I buy ALL MY BOOKS FROM FIVESTONE AND I FUCKING LOVE THEIR EMPLOYEES. I fucking love their store. I will not accept anyone buying books from anywhere else. Nope. Nope. Nope. NOPE. 

Day 412: .....

I have too much faith in you.
I have a little more faith in us than I should.
I'm just not ready to let this go.

Day 411: Shit Yourself Car Rides with Erin and Tamara (Featuring Special Guest: Tracy)

(Talking about "You're Beautiful")
Erin: The music video for that was so weird. He like... slowly strips and then jumps into a freezing cold ocean.
Tamara: Well, I guess that means that the girl made him so hot that he couldn't control his raging boner. Cory said he was thinking of this song when he first saw me.
Erin: So he couldn't control his raging boner. He saw you and then he starts punching himself in the dick screaming "GO DOWN. GOD. GO DOWN. WE'RE IN PUBLIC DAMNIT"
Tracy: He'd get a leash for it. Tie it to his leg.
Erin: WE NEED TO PATENT THAT. He gets fired later because someone catches him in the aisle mercilessly humping a box of cereal.

Erin: I'm going to put up a chart on the refrigerator and write each of my children's names on it and tally up how many years of therapy I'm going to have to invest in.

Erin: I'm going to give my child their sexual education by having sex in front of them. THIS IS HOW BABIES ARE MADE JIMMY.
Tracy: and then later in therapy your kid is going to be like "And and mommy was screaming for god. AND DADDY KEPT PUTTING HIS WEINER IN HER!"

Erin: I'm going to beat my kids for looking suspicious.
Tracy: WHACK! THAT WAS FOR WHAT YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT DOING.
Erin: *mimes writing* One more year of therapy.


Erin: Did you get new fish?
Tracy: Yea, those two black ones are new, that spotted one is new, that ugly fucker is new.
Erin: You have nigger fish!
Tracy: Yes, we have two nigger fishes.

Erin: I was recording my voicemail message yesterday and I kept tripping up on my words and I was getting ginger rage frustrated and the one I was like "Hey it's Erin, message to leave at the....." and then I took a deep breath and screamed as loud as I could manage "FUCK". Imagine if I would've kept that and my boss called. She'd be like "don't come back... ever. In fact, I'm getting a restraining order."