Day 396: Careful Leaks?

If you haven't heard already, I'm getting my ass published as soon as fucking possible. The coming out book? It's actually a series. The Careful Series. The first book being "Careful" by yours fucking truly. Now, twice weekly, I will be leaking excerpts from Careful, as a little teaser to all. If you would like to be able to access these leaks,  you need to get your ass HERE:
Erin Gardner Author Page SON

That is the ONLY place I will be leaking them...

AND on my twitter.
Would you like to my follow me? YOU BET YOUR ASS YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ME:
MUH TWITTER SON

So get your shit together, and get to liking and following.

Day 395: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Eighteen

Grace by Richard Paul Evans

I DESPISED THIS BOOK. 

I hated it so much. 

It was worse than any book I've ever read. And I have stomached through some pretty awful damn books. It was worse than "The Room by Emma Donoghue" (http://lameginger1823.blogspot.com/2011_11_01_archive.html) in case you would like to read my awful review of that one as well. 

It was about, It was about a lot of damn things, basically, there are these boys, and their dad gets a shitty disease and they have to sell all their shit and move to a shitty house in a shitty place and it's just basically shitty all around. 

Then, one day, when the main boy character is at work, he sees a girl rooting around in the trash for food so he takes her in and hides her in their clubhouse in their backyard and takes care of her. 

Well it ends up her fucking stepfather raped her and now she's pregnant. And in the end, the police come for her and then he kills her. All the while you are thinking this story is going to end happily, that the bad guy doesn't win, because she was supposed to be going to her Aunt's house, her aunt was going to save her and then this stupid shit happens. 

WHAT THE FUCK

THIS BOOK WAS SHITTY. 

Day 394: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Seventeen

It Sucked and Then I Cried by Heather B. Armstrong

                The first thing I liked about this author is the fact that she published under her husband’s name. Many women authors will publish under their maiden name, saying that their husband’s name takes away from their individuality. As if by taking their husband’s name meant that they were giving away their entire personality and becoming someone different. Taking your husband’s name is not something dirty. Taking your husband’s name merely means that you have accepted this new part of your life AS A NEW PART OF YOUR LIFE. You tied yourself to him for an eternity, that’s what you said in your vows.

                I will not be published until well after I am married. WELL AFTER. For that reason, my author page says “Erin Gardner” because that is who I will be. Erin Gardner, Drew’s wife, Mrs. Gardner, why on earth would I publish under any name other than my own?

                I picked this up at the book store; I decided I needed a break from romance and comedy was what I needed.

                I could not put it down, the author reminds me so much of myself in her sarcastic tones. The book itself is an autobiography of sorts; Heather recounts what it was like for her first pregnancy as she falls into a deep postpartum depression and then checks herself into a mental institution for a brief stay when all else fails. This book made me laugh, it made me cry, and it made me think about myself. I suggest this book to absolutely everyone, man or woman. I loved this book. 

Day 393: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Sixteen

The Carousel by Richard Paul Evans

                As I said before, this book is sort of a sequel to “The Locket”. There was a relationship between Michael and his girlfriend Faye in that book that wasn’t really touched on except for extremely lightly. I wanted to read more about that, hoping that when I found out that there was a book written about what happened after Michael proposed would be much more romantic, with a happily ever after ending.

                Did I get that?

                No.

                Am I disappointed?

                Very.

                Was the book still worth the read?

                There was a crapton of drama. It kept me hanging on until the end. So yes, yes it was worth it.

                Do I like Richard Paul Evans’ earlier books?

                No. Not at all. I like his later writing a whole lot better. I still haven’t even read his breakout novel. I’m saving that for after I have read all the rest of his books. 

Day 392: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Fifteen

The Locket by Richard Paul Evans

                I have yet to read his breakout novel. This was one of his earlier novels. I was a little wary of it at first since it appeared to be written in English used during our country’s birth. Any author “self-help” book will tell you that you are supposed to assume that your audience is just as intelligent as you are. “Dumbing” down your words makes it seem like you think your audience is too stupid to understand anything more than text speak, this loses fans. You also shouldn’t make your wording so difficult to understand that people have to go and get a dictionary at least twice a chapter. Well versed as I am, I still dislike reading a book where I have to stop for a few minutes and attempt to dissect what that sentence meant because I’ve only seen one of those words in one of Shakespeare’s poems.

                Basically, as an author, you’re supposed to make your readers think, but not too much. The beginning of this book, made me think too much. I eventually got used to this and was able to read the entire book without throwing it out a window (mostly because it’s my sister-in-law’s book and not my own and I promised I wouldn’t harm them while they were in my custody).

                This wasn’t like his other novels, it wasn’t really centered on the romance, it was centered on the relationship between Michael and the elderly woman he cared for at the retirement home he worked for. It was actually very dramatic and I’ve just discovered that he sort of wrote a sequel to it and that is the one I am reading next. Not because I enjoyed this book, but so that I can get it out of the way and go back to reading regular romances. I didn’t really like this one so much. I can’t even truly say I’d recommend it to anyone under any pretense except to read all of Richard Paul Evans work. This is purely my opinion and you can choose to take my advice or ignore me entirely. Everyone writes at least one crappy book and I think this may have been his. Again, no insult to him, just because I didn’t enjoy it doesn’t mean that he’s a terrible author or that the book was terrible. I’m just a pain in the ass and the first two books I read by him spoiled me as they were his later books. You get better as you go. 

Day 391: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Fourteen

Skinny Women are Evil by Mo’Nique

                This book was as hilarious as it was inspiring. Mo’Nique writes about the trials and tribulations of being a big girl in the Hollywood world and outside of it as well. I wear a size sixteen pants and I look damn good in them. This is the same attitude Mo’Nique encourages all of the big girls of the world to have. She tells us to eat if we are hungry and to own everything we wear and to be cautious of those she refers to as “Skinny bitches”, the most evil of all creatures. The women who wear size zero and look at you like you’re the most disgusting human being alive for going back for seconds at a buffet. She tells us about how she made it into Hollywood, she tells us about her home life, about her son, her failed marriage and so much more. It is an awesome book and a much more classy comedy than anything by Tucker Max.  If you enjoy laughing but not because of some horrible “sex gone wrong” story, then this book is definitely for you. 

Day 390: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Thirteen

Promise Me by Richard Paul Evans

                (If there are any typos, run on sentences, repeat sentences, etcetera in this blog, I’m sorry in advance, I’m watching my fiancée play Pokémon and he’s bitching at the game and it’s freaking hilarious so I’m not paying a whole lot of attention to what I type. “BITE THAT MOTHER FUCKER” is something he just yelled at the television and I about peed my pants.)

                Now when you hear about a time travel romance, you think of the Time Traveler’s Wife. This book is way more complex than that. This book was ten times better. I loved it. I could not put it down, I read this book on my way back from North Carolina and I wouldn’t get out of the car at rest stops until I had finished the rest of whatever chapter I was on. This book is about a woman who just learned that her husband has been cheating on her to also learn that her husband is dying of cancer, to then learn that her child is suffering from some disease the doctors can’t identify to then learn that she is losing her house to then learn that this guy that she started seeing is someone who came from the past to come and help her future change. Now if that isn’t complex as hell, I don’t know what is. I suggest this book to anyone who likes romance. ROMANCE romances not smut. 

Day 389: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Twelve

Now, I have been on a dystopian kick for the longest time, so this is a completely new flavor of review. My soon to be sister in law lent me a bunch of books so I wanted to read those first so that I knew that I could get them back to her as soon as possible. Most of the books she lent me are romances by an author I have never read before.

                If you love the author Nicholas Sparks, then you will adore Richard Paul Evans. Quite a lot of my reviews will be of Richard Paul Evans’s books, because she lent me a TON of his books. The first book I picked up by him was Lost December.

                I was little weary of it at first, not knowing how much I would like it since I’d been reading nothing but dystopias for how long now, but this book was amazing.

                This book is about Luke Crisp, who is the son of a very successful owner of copy centers that he has all over America. From a young age, Luke was taught by his father how to run these copy centers. By the time he was 16, he was successfully running six on his own and he was able to finance a brand new BMW. One day, his father tells him that he should go off to college to learn more of the world and to see what else it has to offer him. While he is in college, he meets this complete douche waffle who convinces him to turn down his dad’s offer to take over the company from him and to come and spend all his trust fund money to go and see the world. Meanwhile, he keeps asking to borrow money, saying he has a credit card problem and promising to pay him back. Eventually, they spend all of the trust fund and the douche waffle was taking so much more than he let on. Leaving Luke with nothing. When he goes back to see his father, he finds out that his father has already given the company to someone else. With his tail between his legs, he turns to the streets.

                After a horrible mugging, a man finds him on the side of the road and offers to take him to a shelter or the hospital and then eventually after giving him some food, offers him a job at the old folk’s home that he runs. Giving him a room to stay in and free food and clothing AND money on top of this all. While he’s there, he helps them develop a marketing design to help fill all the rooms.

                He sees a Crisp Copy Center nearby that is hiring and goes to apply there, while he works there, he meets a woman. Well, she’s a grumpy woman who won’t open up to anyone no matter how hard you try. He sees her at the market and notices that she has a son and convinces her to come to dinner with him, which only seems to upset her more because then her son won’t quit asking about Luke.

                It takes Luke taking the fall for a big mistake Rachel made at work for Rachel to finally see that he is a man worthy of dating.

                Now I don’t want to ruin the rest of the story for you, but it is FRIGGING awesome. I loved it and unlike Nicholas Sparks, no one has to die at the end for it to be a good book. I could not stop reading it.

Day 388: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Eleven

Insurgent by Veronica Roth

                I already reviewed this book’s predecessor, Divergent, and if you don’t recall it, that was the book that I said I peed about eighty five times during PLUS almost bested Harry Potter. So this is my spoiler alert, if you haven’t read Divergent, then go and fucking read it. There is something wrong with you if you haven’t read that book yet. You are missing out. If you choose to continue to read this blog post regardless of my warning that there are spoilers to Divergent in it, don’t come bitching to me because I spoiled it for you. Fuck you. I’ll block your ass. I warned you.

You know how a lot of sequels are pretty shitty compared to the first book and then you are left feeling unsatisfied and pissed off because you went and spent all this damn money to get the book AS SOON AS IT CAME OUT which meant you could only get the hard cover copy which is TWICE THE DAMN PRICE of the paperback, and the damn thing sucked?

                Well, this book ISN’T like that, at all. This book was just as damn amazing, if not better than the first. I laughed, I cried, and I yelled at the book. Veronica Roth continues to deliver her edge of the seat writing style. I couldn’t put this book down and actually got upset when I had to because I could no longer keep my eyes open. It was amazing. There are so many twists you never see coming. I loved this book. Again, if you are weak of stomach when it comes to violence, this isn’t the book for you.

                At the end of the first book, you just discovered that Jeanine from Erudite and Eric from the Dauntless had some kind of plan where they injected everyone in Dauntless with serum and they killed damn near everyone in Abnegation. You also found out that it doesn’t affect the Divergent.

                Well, this book offers so many twists and turns. Will Tris and Tobias’s relationship make it through this war? What happens to Marcus? What the heck was Tris’s mother even doing there when she saved her? And so many other questions get answered. An unlikely foe will turn friend and an unlikely friend will turn foe. You will pee yourself at least three times a chapter guaranteed. 

Day 387: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Ten

If you’ve ever heard of Tucker Max, then you know he’s a horrible, awful, crazy, alcoholic lunatic. You also know that he’s damn hilarious. Now, it truly depends on who you are, some people think he’s pretty much the scum of society and the sole reason that the world is an awful place. Some people think he’s the bee’s knees, king of all men, or the most fabulous drunk in existence.

             

   Last year, I read his “autobiography” of sorts which mostly consists of a recollection of all of the “best” moments throughout his life of being a drunken abomination to society. He just drinks whatever alcohol is placed in front of his face and fornicates with whatever drunken flimsy girl he encounters. It doesn’t sound like very educational or thought provoking reading to those of mature and sound mind. I, on the other hand, laugh when I notice that I have 69 messages in my inbox on my cell phone and have also been known to talk to myself for hours. I am neither of mature or sound mind. So this shit is damn hilarious. 

             

   I believe his second book, “Assholes Finish First” came out two years ago, possibly three, but I am one of those people who start reading a book, forget about it for five months and then pick it up again. I bought the book and didn’t even start reading it until last week. This book is just as hilarious, if not more hilarious than the previous. I am pretty sure I peed my pants three times a chapter. This book includes all the stories “post fame” of Tucker Max. Once the drunken sluts knew his name, everyone wanted to be in one of his stories.

              

  I would suggest his works to anyone that is immature on the inside and can handle a ton of swearing. Like, a shit ton. If you’re reading my blog and have been with me since the beginning then you can handle Tucker Max.