Day 186: His name is Benjamin. And we click.

I officially have a boyfriend after my mother has been nagging me about since about two after me and Max broke up. I'm not even kidding. I think she must have gotten sick of me being around all the time. She used to always nag me about moving too fast but it never failed, she'd ask every other damn day. "When are you going to get a boyfriend? Are you interested in anyone? Why don't you date that one boy who picked you up that one time? He was cute."

This has nothing to do with my mother. This was my own choice and I didn't rush into this. He asked me to be his girlfriend. His name is Ben. That's all you're getting. I don't need you facebook creeping the hell out of him. I kinda like this one. I'd prefer to keep him.

Day 185: Love isn't about finding someone who you find perfect, it's about finding someone who never shuts up, just like you :)

It has been a good day :)

Day 184: Seriously, bitch? Seriously?

So I love love love when people call off at THREE IN THE MORNING. What were you doing at four a.m? SLEEPING???? I was four cups of coffee deep into realizing that I have sold my soul to the casino because I actually said YES to working an extra TWO HOURS because someone just had to fucking call off. I need to stop being so damn nice.

Day 183: Worst Night of work ever. I hate Sundays at Extras

So tonight sucked. There was a nonstop line and I barely had enough time to breathe let alone put stupid hotdogs on the grill and I didn't need everyone and their brother giving me the third degree over not having hot dogs ready. I HAVE HAD TO PISS FOR THE PAST HOUR. I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD TIME TO THINK ONE DAMN THOUGHT LET ALONE DO ANYTHING ELSE AND I'M JUST. TRYING. TO. MAKE. YOU. HAPPY.

Sometimes I don't get paid enough for the bullshit I have to deal with.

Day 182: damn power outages

I WANTED TO WATCH MY PORN AFTER A LONG DAY AT WORK AND THE POWER WAS OUT. I also almost died on my way home from work. It was not fun.

Day 181: LIMITED COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS! NOT TWO MINUTES

Here I am just trying to watch my damn secret life episode online which always has commercials but ONLY THIRTY SECONDS between the different sections of the show. NOW ITS AT 130 Seconds WHAT IS THIS INSANITY?!?!?!! The things I put up with for the sake of my unhealthy addictions. This show is so ridiculously stupid that I shouldn't waste 45 minutes ANY DAY of my time on this. BUT I CAN'T HELP MYSELF.

Day 180: Too damn nice for her own good.

This is why I get hurt.
The inability to say no.
The weakness to the look of desperation.
The want to please.
Even when you don't deserve it.
At.
All.

Day 179: How the hell'd we get this way?

I don't know what the hell to type about.
Bite me.

Day 178: I only want to be loved.

What are words if you really don't mean them?
I only want someone who will stick with me even when we go through shitty times.
I only want someone who doesn't make me pass a bunch of bullshit tests beforehand to 'qualify'.
And it's really confusing, baby, when you romance me with your words and make my heart flutter but then don't show me that you truly want this.. that you truly want me.

And I could tell myself that I can't get anyone. That I'm ugly. stupid. Fat. Mean.

I'm not any of those things.
I'm quite the opposite.
You'd be lucky to have me.
Anyone would.

*sigh*

Day 177: Erin Gets Funnier when sleep deprived

So apparently I'm fucking hilarious at four a.m in the morning without meaning to be funny at all. This would probably be because I just don't give a shit anymore about anyone's damn feelings  or how they are going to react to how I talk. This can be examplified in the way that I refer to everything as "fucker", "bitch", or "stupid piece of shit". I also have very loud arguments with the hotdogs. And when I say loud, I scared Shaune when I screamed "WE ARE NOT ARGUING ABOUT THIS!" to a misbehaving pack of hotdogs.

^ THIS was also not meant to be funny. At all.

That was legitimately how I wrote my stock list.

I meant to spell Snausage like that.

Day 176: That girl I used to be? She's so gone.

So I had the unfortunate luck to be stuck with nothing but overnight shifts all this week. And last night was hell. TOTAL hell. It was busy. Which is crazy because it's a fucking sunday, but even at four a.m in the morning, there are easily a hundred people in the casino. It's crazy. I had to deal with alot of angry and anal retentive people last night. Tamara got to hear all about it, she was the one keep me sane. haha

Day 175: I'm not made of glass. More like steel. Unbreakable and forever uncharted

I went to a business picnic today instead of waiting around for some jackass to call me and wasting my day. I was out meeting successful and smart people who will impact my life in amazing ways. What the hell were you doing today? Working? Snogging your boyfriend? WASTES OF TIME. That's what you were doing. Needless to say I had the time of my life today. :)

Day 174: Y'all need to make up your damn minds.

I will never make anyone do anything but I'm sick of being told one thing and then having you act an entirely different way. Alright? We're not in fucking high school anymore. This isn't a stupid back and forth thing. I don't do that. I'm done. Do not ask me anything if you don't want to deal with the consequences.

Day 173: Met Dave Dussalt

And it was pretty awesome. He's an amazingly hilarious guy. I was also on a date with a pretty awesome fellow that I'm sure you'll all be stalking soon enough. He's basically amazing. :)

Day 172: Even if you had alot of moments that didn't last forever..

Doesn't mean you should give up entirely. I strongly believe there is someone out there for everyone. I love easily. But I don't fall in love easily. When I do fall, I fall hard. Do you think after all the break ups I've been through that I should be insecure? This is probably how I'm expected to react. And this is how people are surprised that I'm not acting like. I know I'm pretty and I know that any man who gets to be with me is a lucky man. I'm a wonderful girl. What I'm sick of is men who try to get in my pants more than wanting to be with with me. I'm not that kind of girl. I deserve the best.

Day 172: Annoying Texters

So we were having a discussion at work about people who text us that annoy the fuck out of us. One type of texter that annoys the fuck out of me is the person that sends a million question marks after I don't respond back RIGHT away. It's like calm the fuck down I will get to you when I damn get to you. I have a life outside of my phone. I have a job. And other shit I need to do.

I also can't stand people that send me like eight page long text messages. JUST FUCKING CALL ME.

Day 171: Anyone looking for a roommate?

So I've got some pretty big decision making to do. I'm considering moving out. I don't know whether or not to move into my own apartment on my own, whether to move in with someone or whether I want to leave the state entirely. So forgive me if I've been a little distant with any of you. I have been preoccupied lately.

Day 170: Overnight shifts are my FAVORITE THING EVER < sarcasm.

I am so NOT EXCITED about tonight. or tomorrow night. Or the day after that. I work 10 p.m to six a.m two days in a row and then have to come right back into work at two the next day at two. But hey, I got Thursday off and that's all that matters. I would have gone to any depths to get Thursday off. It's very important, I'd tell you why but you can't be trusted with such things. Well then again, if you don't have enough of a life to be sitting here to reading my blog, you probably don't have any friends. So I probably could tell you. BUT I'M NOT GOING TO. Because I'm technically not really allowed to talk much about it. You'll know in time. So calm the fuck down. Don't get your damn panties in a bundle over it.

Day 169: Quotes from a LONG night

Beth:*picks up coffee pot, coffee pot leaks*
Erin: That thing just peed EVERYWHERE. It was so excited to see you. It was like "OOOOHHHH BETH."
Beth: *dies laughing*

Beth: Can I help you?
Random bitch: Uh, no thank you.
Beth: Have a nice day.... hussy.

Along with these quotes, I also went in the back to make a mixed box of chips. Thinking that there weren't any boxes that were close to empty, I took the pretzel box, and put pretzels in EVERY.SINGLE.BOX. in the back. While Kolt watched me do this, I told him if anyone asked, he had no idea what idiot did that.

Customer: You guys should have a grill out here and make hamburgers.
Erin: But I'm not a cook.
Customer: You said that. Not me.
Erin: I seriously can't cook. I set a salad on fire once. I'll never get a husband.
Beth: I had two. TRUST ME, you don't want one.

Day 168: Something about love that tears you up but you still believe...

It would be so easy to blame myself every single time a relationship fell through or when I through my heart out there because I've always worn it on my sleeve and just had it torn up. It would be so easy to hate myself. So easy to break myself down. So easy to stop breathing. You want to know what's hard? To push through it all, realize that I'm beautiful and amazing and that I deserve the best. It's hard to live. I was always pretty hardheaded. I always chose the most difficult path. I guess living's what I gotta do. <3

Day 167: Pride.

I want to be with someone who has pride in being with me. Not someone who wants to hide it. I am damn proud of myself. And I will be damn proud of you. But if you're not proud of me, it's not gonna work.

Day 166: Big things, big plans

Find someone who will tell you that you can't. So that when you do, and trust me, you will. You can look them in the eye and say "I did."

No one can steal your dream from you. Unless you let them.

Day 165: I'm an open book

All you have to do is pay some attention. All you have to just try to listen. I will give you the world if you ask it of me. Just because you know my favorite color is green doesn't make us soul mates. My biggest fear is that you didn't care and I'm starting to see that you don't. You told me that I was the one that was starting shit. You said I WAS THE ONE, who held things AGAINST YOU. But you never noticed much of anything. If you would listen to me for three seconds. If you would look into my heart instead of just the surface, you would know it all. I'm like an open book that you never even read. You're stuck on the first chapter when there's 48 more.

Day 164: Great deals at your local walmart.

I picked this up at the local walmart. They were running a deal, buy one bottle of fabric softener, get your choice of baby HALF PRICE. What a snag! I think I picked the cutest one they had.

Day 163: If you're going to be a dick, I'm going to be one right back

I'm the kind of person that if you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you but the moment you start treating me like shit, I can rip you three new assholes with one sentence. I'm not the kind of person to be messed with. Another thing that I do not tolerate whatsoever is people who can't take a joke or don't know what the fuck sarcasm is if it hit them in the face. I just don't get it. How can you NOT tell I'm being sarcastic? For an example, a week or so ago, there was a joke between me and a friend that we were "married" so we put it up on facebook. I later changed my status from married to single. And a bunch of people commented/messaged/texted me asking what had happened.... ARE YOU SERIOUS???? I don't get the stupidity of people sometimes.

Day 162: Creeper old men and Erin Howie

So everytime someone checks out my profile on my dating site, I get an email about it, telling me their user name, their age and where the fuck they live. Well more than 75 percent of the time I'm getting creeped by men that are 26 and older. I even had one come on to me HARDCORE that was 33. When I was like... you realize I'm eightfuckingteen right? He never spoke to me again. hahaha. Why do I attract creepy old guys? They wouldn't be able to handle me. I'm too much to handle in the bedroom. I'd wear their creepy asses out. And it's a necessary part of my relationships that if I try to kiss you that you don't get a hernia or bust your damn hip out of place. Let's face it, if you're wearing adult diapers, I won't be into you. Sorry.

Day 161: SHE'S A MAN

So I don't understand how television got to be so damn stupid. There's a show called "Baggage" where people go on tv and air all their dirty laundry pre date. And HOW could someone think that it's perfectly normal for you to STILL BE a man when you are facading everyone as a chick. People are FUCKED up, man. FUCKED UP.

Day 160: "How do you feel?"

That is the question. It never comes with an easy or true answer. I could say I'm fine, but that just shows you that I'm not. I could say that I'm okay, but do you truly believe it when I spit it at you? There are voices, everywhere, inside and out of my head. Some shove me towards you, others pull me away from you. You expect me to know exactly how I feel and why I feel it when after almost nineteen years, I still don't understand myself. How much is real? So much to question. What purpose is there in ever lying? It's not a grudge I'm holding. I'm not holding anything over your head. I have rights to be hesitant. Everything that I've ever done in my life has been hesitant. My entire life is a hesitant, teen-angst, horror film. What I can tell you is that until you waltzed yourself into my haphazard life, it really had no direction. No drive. I was never ever this happy. My face never hurt from smiling all day. Your name seems to just roll off my tongue. It's perfect. You're perfect. I'm the one who isn't.

Day 159: IMDO(In my damn opinion) Thoughts on Marriage, children and love.

So the other day at work, Lauren and I were discussing our thoughts about marriage and children. When it comes to my thoughts, I don't believe in divorce. I believe that when you say "I do" you devote your life to that person. Unless my husband cheated on me or beat me, I'd never get a divorce. Fights are expected. If you aren't having any arguments with your significant other, you aren't in a real relationship. You need to argue because even Jesus and God disagreed on things. If you don't argue, you just don't care about each other's opinions.

We also talked about children and how I have a list of names I like. Not like a list of names that my children HAVE to have, just names I like. I really really really want my first son to be named Connor Landon (Insert Husband's last name here). It's an Irish name. It means alot to me. I just have a huge list of other names I like for children, the only one I'd really really push for is my first son's name to be Connor.

Day 158: If there were anything I missed about high school...

It would have to be the school dances. Homecoming, Snoball, Prom. I loved getting all dolled up. Even though I spent hundreds of damn dollars on those dresses, I loved feeling like a super model. And my Senior Homecoming, in that little black dress, with all the crazy sequins, everyone told me how I shined. I was also rail thin because I barely ate. I looked damn good.

I was watching Secret Life of the American Teenager, one of my dirty little secrets. I really hope that some day, my husband, if I ever get one, will want to dance with me in our living room like some maniacs. I want to be with someone that doesn't mind being a complete and utter goofball with me sometimes. We all need to be in touch with our kid inside. :)

Day 157: So sick of damn youtube advertisements.

Damn it, I just want to watch my friggin' Sam Tsui. I couldn't really think of what to talk to type about today. I was way too damn tired to type at all up until I actually sat up and started typing.

Tonight at work was pretty fun. Which is pretty interesting since I had to get up early in order to go. And I'm usually the world's biggest bitch in the morning. Well, I wasn't as grumpy when I learned that I was going in Extras instead of in Celebrity Grill, which meant I had the opportunity to actually make tips. I came out about 12 dollars over what I came to work with. I also got to work with Lauren. Who is probably one of my favorite people there. We talked about her wedding which is on Saturday and her future plans. She really truly deserves to be happy.