Day 417: Yeah, I'm back bitches

WE HAVE OUR OWN INTERNET. YEP, DAILY BLOGS ARE BACK.

Day 416: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Thirty Seven

Feed by Mira Grant.

HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT.

HOLY

FUCKING

SHIT

THIS BOOK WAS SO GOD DAMN AMAZING.

It is not often that a zombie book can make me cry like a newborn child. This book did. I sobbed for twenty minutes half naked on my toilet and it was the highlight of my week. This is the first in a three book series called the Newsflesh series. They are set after the zombie apocalypse and everyone turns to BLOGGERS to tell them what’s really happening in the world

Everyone at the bookstore told me that there was a lull on the first one and it was kind of boring in the middle. I never once got bored with this book. Not even one time. So if the other books are more action packed than the first one then I can’t WAIT to read the next two, which are also out right now. I have them both.

Can you borrow them?
No.

If you are in or around the Lebanon area, take your ass to Fivestone Bookstore and buy your own copies. I will not let these leave my sight. Nope. You need to own your own copies. I want to see this series in every house I go to. I mean it. GET TO WORK SON. I don’t even care if you are out of state. You drive your ass here and buy your copies from MY FAVORITE BOOK STORE. Because I said so, damn it. If I could move into this store, I would. The employees are amazing. They have a read cycled section where you can get softly used books for half the price. They have chairs. They have drinks that you can actually ingest in the store because they are ‘browsing beverages’ like shit, son. They want you to stay awhile. I have never felt more welcome in a book store in my life. So get your ass here and start giving them your entire paycheck. They’ve earned it. 

Day 415: One hundred book Challenge: Book Thirty Six

Finding Noel by Richard Paul Evans

…..

I feel like we need to have a talk about my last blog. Please take your seat. I want to apologize to you if you felt that I was a little too harsh with my terms or if I unloaded a lot onto you that you really weren’t prepared for. I haven’t been prepared for any of it. I’m seriously thinking about going back to therapy.  I have been on and off therapy for about the better half of my life. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m too strong to need help but then I have realized that admitting you need help is actually the strong thing to do. You really have to humble yourself to tell someone, “hey, I can’t really handle all of this shit on my own anymore and I really just need you to professionally tell me that there is some version of this where I come out okay.” So it’s an option that I’m considering, but you have to realize, therapy costs money. So I’m trying to get through this in my own ways first. I have good days and I have bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. I’m not always going to be like that. In fact, it was a really, really bad day and I’m almost never like that. I’m always going to be a work in progress and I have accepted this fate a long, long time ago. So I apologize for my hostility in the last blog. I would also like to give you a warning now that yes, I will be reviewing this book in these next few paragraphs, but I’m going to be bitching about romance novelists in general as well. If you don’t want to read a bitchblog, go ahead and leave now.

This book was cute. I wouldn't buy it. I’m biased though. It was a sweet book but it was kind of unbelievable and I’m finding that this is just a problem I have with basically all romance novelists. They never write romances that I can relate to and Richard Paul Evans has this knack of having his characters fall in love SO DAMN FAST. They have ONE conflict and that’s it for the rest of the book.

Okay, I realize that no one would want to read my love life if it was a romance book. I mean. I dated like a shitload of assholes before I landed with Drew and Drew is still an asshole sometimes too. He’s just less assholey than anyone else I've ever dated. I just think this is why women have such impossibly high standards and why they all get hurt. If you’re reading this shit, that isn't how things actually happen. Your hair is not going to be always be perfect, your legs aren't always going to be shaved and you aren't going to always smell like heaven. Love never comes easy and nothing worth having does. Relationships are HARD work. Do you think my relationship with Drew is easy? It takes me, him and a shit ton of caffeine, chocolate, long cries in the shower, shouting, sweat, hugging it out and random gifts ‘just because’ (read: “I’m sorry, can we please take our clothes off and solve this in an adult manner” gifts) to make this shit work. Nothing about getting this far was easy and we’re still growing as a couple and you always will be. I feel like romance books really dumb it down and make it look so simple. They don’t do it any justice. You don’t have one conflict and that’s it. YOU ALWAYS HAVE CONFLICT. You are always going to disagree on shit, and you are going to have some of the stupidest fucking fights. Drew and I have had SHOUTING MATCHES over not having sex, who is cooking dinner, why someone didn't send a text, who smells like yeast infection, herpes and poverty all combined into one horribly putrid scent and putting your feet on the bookcase. Shouting. Screaming. Over that stuff. We actually didn't yell at each other when we decided to postpone the wedding. We've shouted at each other over getting a shower. Yes. That’s what an adult relationship is like and the arguments probably just get more insanely ridiculous when we have children. I want to read a book like that. Seriously. 

Day 414: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Thirty Five

The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

Let me address this right away to all the assholes who have repeatedly mentioned how close to the end of the year it is. Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m like sincerely far behind. Shut up. I don’t need your shit. This would be easy for you to do, you say? OH REALLY? So you must live at home in your mommy’s basement and never work and she pays for all your food and the electric and the trash and the cell phone bill and the internet and for all the clothes on your back? I pull almost full time hours at my part time job and I have an extremely long list of medical conditions that require me to be constantly seeing doctors and making damn appointments for all of my days off. I have an ENORMOUS LIST OF BILLS I’M PAYING. I have to constantly make trips to the grocery store because I pay for that shit. I’m attempting to plan my wedding for the SECOND fucking time and it ROYALLY PISSED ME OFF THE FIRST TIME THROUGH. I have an aunt with cancer with a twelve percent chance of living. My uncle has Alzheimer’s so badly that he doesn’t even know who I am. He doesn’t know who my father is and he RAISED my father.  He thinks his wife that he’s been married to for 51 years is his girlfriend. My great grandmother passed away and the only thing I had left from her, my mother sold without me knowing. I couldn’t go to the funeral; I couldn’t go to the funeral because I had to work. I had to work. I always have to work. Do you know how many important events I have missed because I have to pay my bills?  I’m currently fighting a depression, but instead of being sad, I’m just mad. All. The. Damn. Time. ALWAYS ANGRY. I’M ALWAYS MAD. I realized that nothing about becoming an adult was going to be easy, but here is the kicker, they never tell you just how hard life is. OH. And in case you forgot. I’M TRYING TO WRITE A FUCKING BOOK. So, would you like to kindly fuck off? Thanks.

Now that we got that out of the way, let me actually write a review for this book. That was what you came here for right? If you only came here for the meltdown, it’s over.  Glad my haphazard life could provide you some entertainment. Maybe you feel a little bit better about your own life. Good. Great. Fanfuckingtastic, but I’m seriously DONE now with bitching. Done. I’m finished. Right. Now.

I saw the movie first. Please refrain from shitting your pants. Jeans are thirty dollars a pair, you can’t afford to ruin a pair. TRUST ME. I haven’t owned a pair since I jumped another size. Which was like an entire year ago, so I have not had any jeans for an entire year. Yep. I saw the movie first. I borrowed this book from my friend because she told me I had to read the book.

I’m going to be brutally honest with you. There is not a whole lot different in the book than there is in the movie. They pretty much stuck to it almost word for word. There were very few variations. The book was amazing. I cried just like I did with the movie but I won’t be buying a copy of the book. YES I AM DISCOURAGING YOU FROM BUYING A BOOK BECAUSE THE MOVIE IS CHEAPER. Sue me.

Don’t actually sue me; I’m not worth a damn thing. I have literal CHANGE to my name. That’s it.  If you’re hurting THAT badly that fifty cents is going to change your life, you may actually be worse off than I am. That’s saying something. Seriously. I haven’t even paid my rent yet for last month. I wish I was kidding. Dear god, I wish I was kidding.

Pardon me while I go cry for the next ten hours straight. 

Day 413: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Thirty Four

Storm Front by Jim Butcher

This is the first book in the Dresden series and I have been hounded by three of my friends to read this book series already, well, I finally had some extra money and I picked up the first one, there’s apparently going to be 23 books in this series but only thirteen or fourteen of them are out right now. That will greatly help with attempting to catch up to 100, ANYWAY, I SING THIS BOOK’S PRAISES. I was half tempted to open my window and scream “HARRY DRESDEN IS FUCKING AWESOME” but our neighbors already pretty much think we’re insane, I don’t want to give them any more reason to call the men in the white coats to come haul me off to the loony bin. Like Harry Potter? Read this series. Like Science fiction? Yup, read this book. Like any book ever in the history of reading books? Read this series. I’m about five hundred percent sure that I will not regret suggesting this series to my readers. This shit was good. IT WAS GOOD SHIT. REALLY REALLY GOOD SHIT. READ IT. NOW. GO. WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?!?! By the way, buy your books from Fivestone Book Store. I buy ALL MY BOOKS FROM FIVESTONE AND I FUCKING LOVE THEIR EMPLOYEES. I fucking love their store. I will not accept anyone buying books from anywhere else. Nope. Nope. Nope. NOPE. 

Day 412: .....

I have too much faith in you.
I have a little more faith in us than I should.
I'm just not ready to let this go.

Day 411: Shit Yourself Car Rides with Erin and Tamara (Featuring Special Guest: Tracy)

(Talking about "You're Beautiful")
Erin: The music video for that was so weird. He like... slowly strips and then jumps into a freezing cold ocean.
Tamara: Well, I guess that means that the girl made him so hot that he couldn't control his raging boner. Cory said he was thinking of this song when he first saw me.
Erin: So he couldn't control his raging boner. He saw you and then he starts punching himself in the dick screaming "GO DOWN. GOD. GO DOWN. WE'RE IN PUBLIC DAMNIT"
Tracy: He'd get a leash for it. Tie it to his leg.
Erin: WE NEED TO PATENT THAT. He gets fired later because someone catches him in the aisle mercilessly humping a box of cereal.

Erin: I'm going to put up a chart on the refrigerator and write each of my children's names on it and tally up how many years of therapy I'm going to have to invest in.

Erin: I'm going to give my child their sexual education by having sex in front of them. THIS IS HOW BABIES ARE MADE JIMMY.
Tracy: and then later in therapy your kid is going to be like "And and mommy was screaming for god. AND DADDY KEPT PUTTING HIS WEINER IN HER!"

Erin: I'm going to beat my kids for looking suspicious.
Tracy: WHACK! THAT WAS FOR WHAT YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT DOING.
Erin: *mimes writing* One more year of therapy.


Erin: Did you get new fish?
Tracy: Yea, those two black ones are new, that spotted one is new, that ugly fucker is new.
Erin: You have nigger fish!
Tracy: Yes, we have two nigger fishes.

Erin: I was recording my voicemail message yesterday and I kept tripping up on my words and I was getting ginger rage frustrated and the one I was like "Hey it's Erin, message to leave at the....." and then I took a deep breath and screamed as loud as I could manage "FUCK". Imagine if I would've kept that and my boss called. She'd be like "don't come back... ever. In fact, I'm getting a restraining order."

Day 410: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Thirty Three

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers

My neighbor lent me this book telling me it was like the only book that held her attention. It was freaking huge and I love big books. This book was alright, I guess. If you like INTENSELY CHRISTIAN BOOKS. I think if you've been reading my blog so far, you can pretty much tell that I'm not Christian at all. I'm agnostic. I believe there's some shit out there that put us here but that's the end of it. Anyway, this book is about a prostitute turned christian. And God talks to them the whole time through it. It was so weird. I won't be purchasing a copy. Let's leave it at that. 

Day 409: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Thirty Two

Drink, Play F*#% by Andrew Gottlieb

I can review this book in four sentences:

I hated it.

It wasn’t funny.

It was a waste of money.

Don’t buy it. 

Day 408: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Thirty One

The Sunflower by Richard Paul Evans

This book is about a woman whose fiancée dumps her a week before her wedding. Her best friend convinces her to go on a mission trip to Peru, where they help out an orphanage that rescues children from the streets and gives them a roof over their head, food to eat and clothes to wear. When they go down there, the woman falls in love with the man that runs the orphanage. It was very moving reading about the harsh realities of third world countries. I actually wrote a book called “Beyond Salvation” where this orphanage/group home/farm rescued children from other countries as well as their own from child labor, prostitution, abusive homes, etc. It reminded me of that. I actually did many of my reports on child exploitation around the world and I wish there were more ways we could help. It’s so wrong.

Anyway, if you’re okay with crying your eyes out, this book is for you. It’s actually a true story. Mr. Evans actually interviewed the main male character about it. I loved the story and would suggest it to anyone. 

Day 407: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Thirty

Perfect by Ellen Hopkins

I was really really into Ellen Hopkins at one point. I was even semi close with her. We talked about our books and our lives on more than one occasion. I’m not lying; I can’t make this shit up. It has been quite some time since I had last read a book by her. Her books are uniquely characterized by being written entirely in poetry and by almost never having happy endings. Ellen once explained to me her reasoning for the way she ended her stories by telling me that real life doesn’t always have a happy ending. I was awed by that answer. Her stories are also about extremely intense topics; drug abuse, suicide, teen pregnancy, and child abuse being among those topics.

Perfect is more or less the sequel to Impulse. Impulse was a book written about three teens that had attempted suicide and had been forced into a mental institution when their attempts failed. All of these teens attempted suicide over lost love, unreciprocated love or love that was never found and in the end; one of the teens succeeds in his second suicide attempt while the other two find love and salvation in one another.

Perfect is a book about the people who were in love with the teens in the first book and more or less caused them to attempt suicide.

When I started reading it, I noticed that I didn’t really enjoy it and I felt like reading the book was more of a task than a leisurely enjoyment practice. I guess I’m just not really into her books as much as I used to be, I’ve out grown them a little. This doesn’t mean this was a bad book; I just didn’t really enjoy reading it. If you’ve read Impulse, then you are going to want to read Perfect. It really gave you an insight to the other side of the stories. 

Day 406: One Hundred book Challenge: Book Twenty Nine

The Gift by Richard Paul Evans

(WHAT?! WHAT?! THAT PICTURE WAS THE SIZE OF MY FINGERNAIL WHEN I FOUND THIS  PICTURE. AND NOW IT'S HUGE? WHAT INTERNET??!?! WHAT?!??! WHAT?!?!?!?!!!??!?!!??!)

I feel better now

I haven’t read any books of his for a while because I’ve been a little weary since the books I read before his “Walk” series were god awful and I began to hate the author. This book redeemed him once again and I think I may have been a little overly judgmental because of two bad books.

This book is a romance but that’s just a side line to the real story. There is a little boy in this book that has cancer and a heart problem, but he has the power to heal people. Only every time he heals someone, it makes him sicker but he wants to heal people anyway. It’s really quite touching and I won’t give away the ending but I cried multiple times during the reading of this book. If you like a tear jerker, I’d suggest it to you. 

Day 405: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Twenty Eight

The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory

I legitimately JUST finished this book. It was 662 pages long so it took me quite a bit more time to read than the other books. If I would have sat still and just read I probably could have read it in two days just like the rest of them, because this book FAR exceeded my expectations. I watched the movie first and then immediately went to the store to pick up the book knowing that it had to be far better than the movie. I mean, Anne in the movie was a bitch. Anne in the book? MOTHER OF ALL BITCHES. I've never hated a character as much I hated Anne in this book. I was actually GLAD she got beheaded in the end. She deserved it. If you enjoy anything from renaissance time but hate reading old English, this is the book for you. 

It's written in today's English and it's actually historically accurate. This lady knows her shit. I plan on procuring a few more of her books. THIS book has a place on my book shelf and will live to be read again.

Day 404: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Twenty Seven

Linger by Maggie Stiefvater

Shiver Review

This series was introduced to me by the ever amazing Hanna, who I’m finding knows me inside and out when it comes to my tastes in books. This is a trilogy but I’ve been pacing myself on reading it all. I didn’t want to rush through it and then be unhappy when I was finished.

A new character is introduced in this one, his name is Cole and he’s one of the wolves that Beck changed in the last book. He willingly was bitten. And he develops a lot in this book. I hated him in the beginning but in the end you find out that he’s not such a splinter.

There really are no words to describe this series; they are like nothing I’ve ever read. It’s an intense love story and I suggest it to everyone. EVERYONE. READ IT. 

Day 403: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Twenty Six

Abarat by Clive Barker

I have had this book for a very long time. I have attempted to read it at least seven times. I would get about three or five chapters in and put it down because it just didn’t make any damn sense. I forced myself to finish it this time by making it my “taking a shit” book. That way I would have nothing else to entertain myself and would have to read it.

This book is a mind fuck if I’ve ever seen one. There were talking tables. There was a guy with eight heads and apparently they were all brothers with the same fucking name. It was just… what the fuck? The full way through. I have no interest in reading the next two books in the series. I don’t even want to see the fucking book ever again. That’s why I gave it to my friend Tamara, yes the Tamara, from the shit yourself car rides Tamara. She was overly interested in it when I was bitching about it to Hanna. SO I got rid of the stupid book.

If you like to be mind fucked then this is the book for you. 

Day 403: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Twenty Five. OFFICIALLY A QUARTER OF THE WAY THERE!

Road to Grace by Richard Paul Evans

This book puts me officially a quarter of the way to my goal of one hundred books read by the end of the year. It’s a small victory, but a victory none the less. This book is the third in "The Walk" series for the previous two books reviews click either of these links:

The Walk

Miles To Go

Once again, this author has amazed me. I loved it and it ends on such a cliff hanger. The next two books aren’t out yet and this seriously kills me, I’d love to know what happens RIGHT NOW. I hate waiting. I’m waiting for the third book in the Divergent series to come out. And the Chemical Garden trilogy. And the Matched series. This is just ONE MORE THING I have to wait on to come out before I know the ending. Thank goodness I decided to do this challenge. It gives me something to keep my mind off the waiting.

This series is awesome and very inspirational, if you happen to be going through hell in a handbag and you need a pick me up, this book has many feel good qualities. The entire series does. They aren’t very long either for those that don’t like long books, they are about two hundred pages each. SO READ THEM. There isn’t a reason NOT to read them. 

Day 402: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Twenty Four

No Longer a Slumdog by K.P Yohannan

This book was sent to me in the mail from one of those “save a child” websites. And it’s basically just attempting to convince you to donate to them. I thought it would have a lot of stories about how children’s lives were changed for the better but it was not like that at all. It was mostly like “Here’s how much money we spend to take care of these kids, if you don’t donate you’re a shit person and god hates you.” 

Day 401: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Twenty Three

Miles to Go by Richard Paul Evans

 The Walk Review

In the ending of the last book, Allan was stabbed and ends up in the hospital under a predicament. He is facing months of recovery and has to postpone his walk until then. He is taken in by a lady that he met in the first book. He helped her change her tire when she was parked on the side of the road.

This book was very good. I have given some piss poor reviews of some of Richard’s other novels but these have truly captivated and impressed me. I have not been able to put them down and because of them I do believe I will read the rest of the books of his that my future sister in law lent me. 

Day 400: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Twenty Two

The Game by Monica Hughes

This was actually a book I got when Borders was going out of business. I paid exactly three dollars for it. The description on the back made it seem a bit like “The Hunger Games” and I had just finished Catching Fire at the time and wanted to continue reading dystopias. I started looking up information online about “The Game” and found that this book was one of the ones that English teachers force their high school students to read for a grade and therefore wasn’t widely appreciated. All I read were pretty shitty reviews of it but they were all done by some snot nosed sophomore who was just pissed that they had to pull themselves away from their porn or online video games to actually do something educational. So I decided that I would read the book and decide for myself how I felt about it.

                Snot nosed high school students SUCK at book recommendations, I absolutely adored this book and attempted to get anyone who told me that they liked “The Hunger Games” to read it. Now “The Game” has nothing to do with a fight to the death. This book is set in a future where most jobs are primarily taken by robots. When you leave high school you are transported to the place where you will be living the rest of your life. You have to score extremely high in order to get a job that ISN’T already taken by a robot. If you don’t get a job, you get taken to some dump of a town and have to fend for yourself. The government grants you a kind of allowance but it isn’t much.

                The ‘game’ that they speak of is a psychological thing. It’s all in your mind. If you are chosen to be in the game it’s the highest honor ever.
               

                I don’t want to reveal much more and risk giving things away, but the book is awesome and I would suggest it to any dystopia lover. And if you look up reviews of books like I do, don’t trust any that were done by some little weasel high school student. They are overly biased and poorly written. 

Day 399: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Twenty One

The Walk by Richard Paul Evans

                So I know my last few reviews of his books weren’t exactly very nice, but I was EXTREMELY impressed with this book. I was skeptical reading it at first but I could not put it down. This is also a series, but only three of the five are out right now. It’s about this guy who literally loses everything. He decides that he’s going to walk as far away from it all as he can.

                He decides he’s going to walk from Washington State to Florida.

                Walk.

                All the way there.

                IT’S FUCKING AWESOME. My faith in Richard Paul Evans has been restored. 

Day 398: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Twenty

Moloka’I by Alan Brennert

I have read Honolulu by this same author and I absolutely loved it. So I was guessing that anything else written by him would be just as awesome.

Wrong.

I hated this book. It was frightening and gross, and just not what I expected.

Though what should I have expected when the book was about leprosy? 

Day 397: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Nineteen

Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater

                Recently, I took a car ride three hours away to celebrate an amazing woman. Her name is Hanna and she’s awesome. She lent me some books to contribute to my hundred book challenge. She spent about two hours straight talking about this series with me and of course it was the first book I picked up.

                Shiver is a werewolf series, but not like ugly half man half wolf things, they switch between wolf form and human form. If you are bitten, you only get so many years of changing back and forth before you become strictly wolf only. Well, this girl, got bitten when she was a very young age, but one of the wolves saved her. She remembered him and throughout the years they watch each other from afar. But one day, a boy is attacked and people try to kill the wolves off because they see them as a threat. The wolf that saved the girl is shot and it turns him back into a human. Usually they only turn back into wolves during the warm months. Heat keeps them human, cold turns them wolf.

                It turns into this intense love story and it is a trilogy and they are all out so you don’t need to worry about waiting. This book was awesome and I bet the next two are too. Be careful though, the author has admitted that she wrote the series in an effort to make her readers cry.

(Also, you will never EVER want two characters to JUST FUCK ALREADY as badly as you will in this book.) 

Day 396: Careful Leaks?

If you haven't heard already, I'm getting my ass published as soon as fucking possible. The coming out book? It's actually a series. The Careful Series. The first book being "Careful" by yours fucking truly. Now, twice weekly, I will be leaking excerpts from Careful, as a little teaser to all. If you would like to be able to access these leaks,  you need to get your ass HERE:
Erin Gardner Author Page SON

That is the ONLY place I will be leaking them...

AND on my twitter.
Would you like to my follow me? YOU BET YOUR ASS YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ME:
MUH TWITTER SON

So get your shit together, and get to liking and following.

Day 395: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Eighteen

Grace by Richard Paul Evans

I DESPISED THIS BOOK. 

I hated it so much. 

It was worse than any book I've ever read. And I have stomached through some pretty awful damn books. It was worse than "The Room by Emma Donoghue" (http://lameginger1823.blogspot.com/2011_11_01_archive.html) in case you would like to read my awful review of that one as well. 

It was about, It was about a lot of damn things, basically, there are these boys, and their dad gets a shitty disease and they have to sell all their shit and move to a shitty house in a shitty place and it's just basically shitty all around. 

Then, one day, when the main boy character is at work, he sees a girl rooting around in the trash for food so he takes her in and hides her in their clubhouse in their backyard and takes care of her. 

Well it ends up her fucking stepfather raped her and now she's pregnant. And in the end, the police come for her and then he kills her. All the while you are thinking this story is going to end happily, that the bad guy doesn't win, because she was supposed to be going to her Aunt's house, her aunt was going to save her and then this stupid shit happens. 

WHAT THE FUCK

THIS BOOK WAS SHITTY. 

Day 394: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Seventeen

It Sucked and Then I Cried by Heather B. Armstrong

                The first thing I liked about this author is the fact that she published under her husband’s name. Many women authors will publish under their maiden name, saying that their husband’s name takes away from their individuality. As if by taking their husband’s name meant that they were giving away their entire personality and becoming someone different. Taking your husband’s name is not something dirty. Taking your husband’s name merely means that you have accepted this new part of your life AS A NEW PART OF YOUR LIFE. You tied yourself to him for an eternity, that’s what you said in your vows.

                I will not be published until well after I am married. WELL AFTER. For that reason, my author page says “Erin Gardner” because that is who I will be. Erin Gardner, Drew’s wife, Mrs. Gardner, why on earth would I publish under any name other than my own?

                I picked this up at the book store; I decided I needed a break from romance and comedy was what I needed.

                I could not put it down, the author reminds me so much of myself in her sarcastic tones. The book itself is an autobiography of sorts; Heather recounts what it was like for her first pregnancy as she falls into a deep postpartum depression and then checks herself into a mental institution for a brief stay when all else fails. This book made me laugh, it made me cry, and it made me think about myself. I suggest this book to absolutely everyone, man or woman. I loved this book. 

Day 393: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Sixteen

The Carousel by Richard Paul Evans

                As I said before, this book is sort of a sequel to “The Locket”. There was a relationship between Michael and his girlfriend Faye in that book that wasn’t really touched on except for extremely lightly. I wanted to read more about that, hoping that when I found out that there was a book written about what happened after Michael proposed would be much more romantic, with a happily ever after ending.

                Did I get that?

                No.

                Am I disappointed?

                Very.

                Was the book still worth the read?

                There was a crapton of drama. It kept me hanging on until the end. So yes, yes it was worth it.

                Do I like Richard Paul Evans’ earlier books?

                No. Not at all. I like his later writing a whole lot better. I still haven’t even read his breakout novel. I’m saving that for after I have read all the rest of his books. 

Day 392: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Fifteen

The Locket by Richard Paul Evans

                I have yet to read his breakout novel. This was one of his earlier novels. I was a little wary of it at first since it appeared to be written in English used during our country’s birth. Any author “self-help” book will tell you that you are supposed to assume that your audience is just as intelligent as you are. “Dumbing” down your words makes it seem like you think your audience is too stupid to understand anything more than text speak, this loses fans. You also shouldn’t make your wording so difficult to understand that people have to go and get a dictionary at least twice a chapter. Well versed as I am, I still dislike reading a book where I have to stop for a few minutes and attempt to dissect what that sentence meant because I’ve only seen one of those words in one of Shakespeare’s poems.

                Basically, as an author, you’re supposed to make your readers think, but not too much. The beginning of this book, made me think too much. I eventually got used to this and was able to read the entire book without throwing it out a window (mostly because it’s my sister-in-law’s book and not my own and I promised I wouldn’t harm them while they were in my custody).

                This wasn’t like his other novels, it wasn’t really centered on the romance, it was centered on the relationship between Michael and the elderly woman he cared for at the retirement home he worked for. It was actually very dramatic and I’ve just discovered that he sort of wrote a sequel to it and that is the one I am reading next. Not because I enjoyed this book, but so that I can get it out of the way and go back to reading regular romances. I didn’t really like this one so much. I can’t even truly say I’d recommend it to anyone under any pretense except to read all of Richard Paul Evans work. This is purely my opinion and you can choose to take my advice or ignore me entirely. Everyone writes at least one crappy book and I think this may have been his. Again, no insult to him, just because I didn’t enjoy it doesn’t mean that he’s a terrible author or that the book was terrible. I’m just a pain in the ass and the first two books I read by him spoiled me as they were his later books. You get better as you go. 

Day 391: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Fourteen

Skinny Women are Evil by Mo’Nique

                This book was as hilarious as it was inspiring. Mo’Nique writes about the trials and tribulations of being a big girl in the Hollywood world and outside of it as well. I wear a size sixteen pants and I look damn good in them. This is the same attitude Mo’Nique encourages all of the big girls of the world to have. She tells us to eat if we are hungry and to own everything we wear and to be cautious of those she refers to as “Skinny bitches”, the most evil of all creatures. The women who wear size zero and look at you like you’re the most disgusting human being alive for going back for seconds at a buffet. She tells us about how she made it into Hollywood, she tells us about her home life, about her son, her failed marriage and so much more. It is an awesome book and a much more classy comedy than anything by Tucker Max.  If you enjoy laughing but not because of some horrible “sex gone wrong” story, then this book is definitely for you. 

Day 390: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Thirteen

Promise Me by Richard Paul Evans

                (If there are any typos, run on sentences, repeat sentences, etcetera in this blog, I’m sorry in advance, I’m watching my fiancée play Pokémon and he’s bitching at the game and it’s freaking hilarious so I’m not paying a whole lot of attention to what I type. “BITE THAT MOTHER FUCKER” is something he just yelled at the television and I about peed my pants.)

                Now when you hear about a time travel romance, you think of the Time Traveler’s Wife. This book is way more complex than that. This book was ten times better. I loved it. I could not put it down, I read this book on my way back from North Carolina and I wouldn’t get out of the car at rest stops until I had finished the rest of whatever chapter I was on. This book is about a woman who just learned that her husband has been cheating on her to also learn that her husband is dying of cancer, to then learn that her child is suffering from some disease the doctors can’t identify to then learn that she is losing her house to then learn that this guy that she started seeing is someone who came from the past to come and help her future change. Now if that isn’t complex as hell, I don’t know what is. I suggest this book to anyone who likes romance. ROMANCE romances not smut. 

Day 389: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Twelve

Now, I have been on a dystopian kick for the longest time, so this is a completely new flavor of review. My soon to be sister in law lent me a bunch of books so I wanted to read those first so that I knew that I could get them back to her as soon as possible. Most of the books she lent me are romances by an author I have never read before.

                If you love the author Nicholas Sparks, then you will adore Richard Paul Evans. Quite a lot of my reviews will be of Richard Paul Evans’s books, because she lent me a TON of his books. The first book I picked up by him was Lost December.

                I was little weary of it at first, not knowing how much I would like it since I’d been reading nothing but dystopias for how long now, but this book was amazing.

                This book is about Luke Crisp, who is the son of a very successful owner of copy centers that he has all over America. From a young age, Luke was taught by his father how to run these copy centers. By the time he was 16, he was successfully running six on his own and he was able to finance a brand new BMW. One day, his father tells him that he should go off to college to learn more of the world and to see what else it has to offer him. While he is in college, he meets this complete douche waffle who convinces him to turn down his dad’s offer to take over the company from him and to come and spend all his trust fund money to go and see the world. Meanwhile, he keeps asking to borrow money, saying he has a credit card problem and promising to pay him back. Eventually, they spend all of the trust fund and the douche waffle was taking so much more than he let on. Leaving Luke with nothing. When he goes back to see his father, he finds out that his father has already given the company to someone else. With his tail between his legs, he turns to the streets.

                After a horrible mugging, a man finds him on the side of the road and offers to take him to a shelter or the hospital and then eventually after giving him some food, offers him a job at the old folk’s home that he runs. Giving him a room to stay in and free food and clothing AND money on top of this all. While he’s there, he helps them develop a marketing design to help fill all the rooms.

                He sees a Crisp Copy Center nearby that is hiring and goes to apply there, while he works there, he meets a woman. Well, she’s a grumpy woman who won’t open up to anyone no matter how hard you try. He sees her at the market and notices that she has a son and convinces her to come to dinner with him, which only seems to upset her more because then her son won’t quit asking about Luke.

                It takes Luke taking the fall for a big mistake Rachel made at work for Rachel to finally see that he is a man worthy of dating.

                Now I don’t want to ruin the rest of the story for you, but it is FRIGGING awesome. I loved it and unlike Nicholas Sparks, no one has to die at the end for it to be a good book. I could not stop reading it.

Day 388: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Eleven

Insurgent by Veronica Roth

                I already reviewed this book’s predecessor, Divergent, and if you don’t recall it, that was the book that I said I peed about eighty five times during PLUS almost bested Harry Potter. So this is my spoiler alert, if you haven’t read Divergent, then go and fucking read it. There is something wrong with you if you haven’t read that book yet. You are missing out. If you choose to continue to read this blog post regardless of my warning that there are spoilers to Divergent in it, don’t come bitching to me because I spoiled it for you. Fuck you. I’ll block your ass. I warned you.

You know how a lot of sequels are pretty shitty compared to the first book and then you are left feeling unsatisfied and pissed off because you went and spent all this damn money to get the book AS SOON AS IT CAME OUT which meant you could only get the hard cover copy which is TWICE THE DAMN PRICE of the paperback, and the damn thing sucked?

                Well, this book ISN’T like that, at all. This book was just as damn amazing, if not better than the first. I laughed, I cried, and I yelled at the book. Veronica Roth continues to deliver her edge of the seat writing style. I couldn’t put this book down and actually got upset when I had to because I could no longer keep my eyes open. It was amazing. There are so many twists you never see coming. I loved this book. Again, if you are weak of stomach when it comes to violence, this isn’t the book for you.

                At the end of the first book, you just discovered that Jeanine from Erudite and Eric from the Dauntless had some kind of plan where they injected everyone in Dauntless with serum and they killed damn near everyone in Abnegation. You also found out that it doesn’t affect the Divergent.

                Well, this book offers so many twists and turns. Will Tris and Tobias’s relationship make it through this war? What happens to Marcus? What the heck was Tris’s mother even doing there when she saved her? And so many other questions get answered. An unlikely foe will turn friend and an unlikely friend will turn foe. You will pee yourself at least three times a chapter guaranteed. 

Day 387: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Ten

If you’ve ever heard of Tucker Max, then you know he’s a horrible, awful, crazy, alcoholic lunatic. You also know that he’s damn hilarious. Now, it truly depends on who you are, some people think he’s pretty much the scum of society and the sole reason that the world is an awful place. Some people think he’s the bee’s knees, king of all men, or the most fabulous drunk in existence.

             

   Last year, I read his “autobiography” of sorts which mostly consists of a recollection of all of the “best” moments throughout his life of being a drunken abomination to society. He just drinks whatever alcohol is placed in front of his face and fornicates with whatever drunken flimsy girl he encounters. It doesn’t sound like very educational or thought provoking reading to those of mature and sound mind. I, on the other hand, laugh when I notice that I have 69 messages in my inbox on my cell phone and have also been known to talk to myself for hours. I am neither of mature or sound mind. So this shit is damn hilarious. 

             

   I believe his second book, “Assholes Finish First” came out two years ago, possibly three, but I am one of those people who start reading a book, forget about it for five months and then pick it up again. I bought the book and didn’t even start reading it until last week. This book is just as hilarious, if not more hilarious than the previous. I am pretty sure I peed my pants three times a chapter. This book includes all the stories “post fame” of Tucker Max. Once the drunken sluts knew his name, everyone wanted to be in one of his stories.

              

  I would suggest his works to anyone that is immature on the inside and can handle a ton of swearing. Like, a shit ton. If you’re reading my blog and have been with me since the beginning then you can handle Tucker Max. 

Day 386: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Nine

Delirium by Lauren Oliver

This is a dystopian novel. (I promise one day I will eventually review something other than a dystopian novel. Just all of the books I recently bought are dystopian novels. So, that's what I'm going to review obviously.)

In this one, the government has declared love a "disease" that can potentially kill you and has made it mandatory once a person has turned eighteen that they get cured. Then you are matched with someone that the government picks for you based on your evaluation. But there are people who run away before then and they are referred to as invalids and they run into the "Wilds" and supposedly die.

It's an awesome book but the ending will make you cry and those of you who have weak stomachs for violence, this may not be the book for you. The government in this book is pretty awful and tyrannical in it's ruling.

Day 385: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Eight

I read the whole thing.
ALL I HAVE TO SAY:

CREEPY AS FUCK

Day 384: One Hundred Book Challenge: Book Seven

Divergent by Veronica Roth is FUCKING AMAZING.

Probably one of my top five favorite Books. And yes, that does include the Harry Potter Series. And if you've met me in real life, I am an INSANE POTTERHEAD. Okay, I'm pretty sure I thought I was going to marry Tom Felton at one point and waited for my Hogwarts letter every day of the week for three months straight after my eleventh birthday and also convinced myself I could do magic. 

It is freaking awesome. It's another Dystopian novel and it's also a series. Insurgent just came out and I just started reading that one as well. 

I seriously could not stop reading this book. I took it with me to the bathroom. I read it in the bath tub. I stuffed it down my pants so that I could sneak out to my venue to read it at night at Extras. I denied sex, food, natural body functions and drink to read this book. I read it in four days. It was so good I JIZZED my pants. FOUR TIMES. and I asked my fiancee why he wasn't more like Four/Tobias.

Anyway, this book is about a government controlled future where the people are divided into five factions based on what they blame for the reason why the government crashed and burned in the past and what personalities they have. The factions are Amity, Dauntless, Erudite, Candor and Abnegation. You take a similation test and they place you based on your reactions to the different situations you are put in. Ultimately though, you make the choice in which faction you choose to spend the rest of your life. If you leave your family's faction, you most likely will never see your family again. "Faction before Blood" is the motto. 

This book was amazing and I shit myself like eighty three times because there are so many twists and turns that you never see coming. The author is amazing.

The only complaint I have is that the author had NOT EXAGGERATING AT ALL, 52 FIFTY FUCKING TWO pages of BULLSHIT about herself. TALK ABOUT A FUCKING EGO. DAMN. 

Day 383: One Hundred Book Challenge Book Six

I just realized that I never reviewed the sequel to Ally Condie's "Matched".

The sequel is Crossed.

If you haven't read Matched and you intend to then please do not read this review, it will give you spoilers to Matched. DO NOT FUCKING SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU

So this book starts off with Cassia and Ky being separated. Which totally blows. I'm a Ky fan. I will always be a Ky fan. I in fact hated the other guy. His name escapes me at the moment and that's how much I DON'T GIVE  A SHIT ABOUT HIM. This book was pretty much just as awesome as the first. Ally Condie is damn amazing. She keeps you hanging on.

The book ends at an AWFUL cliff hanger and you probably will piss yourself from anger. So be warned, you will need a change of pants.

Day 382: One Hundred Day Book Challenge: Book 4 and 5

I am posting these together because they are a series. The Series is called "The Chemical Garden Trilogy" (the third book is not yet out).
The author is Lauren Destefano.
The first book is entitled "Wither" and the second is entitled "Fever".

Once again, I'm on a Dystopian Literature kick. (I'm also writing one of my own. Look out for details about "Careful" in the near future). These books are under that genre. If you don't like them, then you probably shouldn't read this review. It's obviously not for you.

Anyway, I bought a whole bunch of dystopian novels awhile back and when I saw the cover of Wither, I did the worst thing you can ever do. I judged the book by it's cover.

This is the cover of Wither:

I saw the cover and assumed it was some kind of fashion novel. Or something I wouldn't really enjoy reading. So I didn't pick it up. Didn't even read the back cover. Just kept walking. 

Anyway, I went over to my best friend's house and was stealing her internet to look up the release date of the third book in the "Matched" trilogy by Ally Condie came out. (There is a review of the first two books in that series on my blog as well.) I also then began to look up other dystopian novels and this one came up in that list. When I actually read the summary, it sounded fucking amazing so I made my soon to be husband drive all the way BACK to Harrisburg (nearly an hour away from where we live) so that I could pick up this one and it's sequel to add to my hundred book challenge list. 

To give you a brief description of the books: 

It's set in a dystopian future, where they have found a cure for cancer, but that cure has made it so that men usually perish around the age of 25 and women around the age of twenty. Young girls are kidnapped from their homes and forced to marry men in order to reproduce. Most men take in anywhere between four and seven wives! This is what happens to the books protagonist Rhine. Except she decides she wants to escape and is planning her escape from the house the whole time. Her new husband falls in love with her though and she falls in love with someone who is considered a "servant" to the household.

First book: freaking awesome, couldn't put it down. There are some pretty gruesome scenes though. Women do not die pleasant deaths. 

Second book: ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I didn't particularly enjoy it. But I will still be buying the third, mainly because I'm rooting for the wrong side of the love triangle and I have to find out if I'm right or not. The second book is like 594859484584095834058430 times creepier than the first. Much more gruesome and scary. I had a few nightmares about the book afterwards. Not even kidding you. I'd give you more insight to what is happening in this book but it would definitely give away the ending to the first. 

Now if you're into CREEPY dystopian novels, this series is the perfect choice for you!

Day 381: One Hundred Book Challenge, Book Three

TOTALLY thought I had already put this review up here and I went back to look and saw that I hadn't yet. Okay, so as of lately, I've become a hugggggeeeee dystopian literature fan. For those of you who aren't sure what that is, allow me to explain, a dystopian society is one where the government controls basically everything. The Hunger Games? That was an example of a dystopian novel.

Now I don't know why, but I can't get enough of this shit. I have bought every well known dystopian novel there is. I started with Matched by Ally Condie. HOLY SHIT. I could not put this book down. Like, seriously, I almost told people to shut up and come the fuck back later when they were attempting to pay me for their food. I read the whole thing in less than seven hours. It was awesome.

Basically, in this book the government controls everything, from how much you eat a day, to who you marry, how many children you have and when you die. YES WHEN YOU DIE. But that's not the point, the point is, the whole matching process. The main character gets matched with her longterm best friend, Xander. This is an extremely rare occurrence because normally your match is someone in an entire other part of the country, someone you never met in your life. Now this isn't a bad thing, it's not like she can't marry him, it's just rare. Well when she went home to see the data on Xander, because everyone gets this little memory card, basically on all of the shit about your match, we she plugs it in, another boy's face comes up, ANOTHER boy that she knows. But that boy can't be matched, because he is an abberation, basically, he isn't really a citizen, his father did something stupid when he was a kid and he had to bear the title as well because of it.

It basically becomes a love triangle, as most books do, but this one goes the complete opposite direction that you think it will. I loved it. And I was fucking crazy about it and you will be too. I just started reading the sequel and I found out that third doesn't come out until November of this year. THAT'S TOO LONG TO WAIT.

Day 380: THE WEDDING IS ALMOST SIX MONTHS AWAY

HOLY SHIT. We got our wedding invitations yesterday! They are so stinken cute. I need to finalize our guest list. We switched venues because the venue I originally had started treating me like shit and I don't take lightly to being treated like shit, so I decided I don't want to give them any of my hard earned money. ASSHOLES. Besides there are plenty of beautiful places IN Lebanon that are a shitload cheaper. AND I can bring my own food and use my own caterer and no one will give me any stupid bullshit about anything.

Day 379: My apologies.

I realize this is supposed to be an everyday blog, but since I moved, I moved away from my mother's free wifi, and into an apartment where all the wifi around me has a damn password on it. There's even a wifi literally named "Have Fun Trying". I wish I was kidding but I'm not.

So since I can not post everyday until I finally get my damn income tax back and we get some internet up in this bitch, you will have to deal with my blogs being infrequent. I'm sorry if this gets your panties all in a bundle but life happens and sometimes we can't afford internet. When we have to pay bills and feed ourselves and wipe our own asses, we have to sacrifice other things.

Now, otherwise, nothing exciting has happened. I have been working and unpacking shit and attempting to make my house look like people actually live there and that it isn't just a storage unit for a bunch of beyond help hoarders.

Day 378: I'm still tired of packing.

I ran out of boxes.

I have almost broken my:

• Back
• Arm
• Leg
• Foot
• Neck
• Brain

I'm tired.
And sweaty.
AND DON'T WANNA WORK ANYMORE.

This is how I feel. 

Day 377: I'M TIRED OF PACKING. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY DAY OFF.

pretty sure my face is about similar to this. 

Ignore the play video button, unless you're a failtard, it's just an image. 

Day 376: Loves my fiancee's loving and supporting family

Seriously don't know what I'd do without them.

Day 375: More about the apartment

It's a two bedroom in Lebanon, but not the scary part of Lebanon, the safe part, right near Home Depot and the jail. I'm so excited. Oh my gosh. I pay 520, plus my electric and my gas heat. It's cute. Brand new carpet. Fresh paint. We even have a doorbell and a porch light. I mean, it's not enormous, but it's cute and it's only the two of us. I have the most ADORABLE KITCHEN. And our living room is pretty gigantic. Here's a picture with Drew sitting right in the center to prove how enormous it is. (For those of you who don't know, my fiancee is about 6'2")

And here's a picture of my stinken precious kitchen

ISN'T IT CUTE AS FUCK

THAT IS A CUTE AS FUCK LITTLE KITCHEN. 

Day 374: HOLY SHIT, DUDES WE HAVE AN APARTMENT

Welcome to my humble abode. I'll post more pictures tomorrow. We move in Saturday. I'm so stinken excited!!!!!